Venting Thought I was finally done with wanting to CTB. Two years later, I end up making an account again. Sigh.

[yellowhue]

Everything is worse now. I'm in recovery from addiction, and I thought I was finally seeing the 'the light'. Nope... my mistakes from the past, things I'd had never done while sober, are catching up with me. It's only a matter of time before my family hates me, my one reason to live. On the flip side, I guess at least that'll make it easier to CTB, right?

I'm thinking I'm going to try shallow water blackout with alcohol. I failed before, but it's literally just because I got impatient and kept drinking shots too fast - I was supposed to space them 30 minutes apart or something. This time I'm going to play a timer.. which kinda sucks, because I really wanna jam out and listen to my favorite albums before I die, but you gotta do what you gotta do. Maybe I'll get a cheapo separate mp3 player or something, I don't wanna make my death unpleasant.

Oddly specific I know, but is anyone else here due to their past catching up with them when they finally thought things were getting better?

 

[marinekiwi]

This happened to me as well a couple times already. Just when you thought you were over wanting to ctb, some disgrace happens that sends you back to the pit.
I just can't help but wonder when the next blow will hit me, and if that's gonna be the final straw for me.

At least here i can find some kind of solace and comfort in that we're not alone suffering the pain that is to be alive.

 

[yellowhue]

This happened to me as well a couple times already. Just when you thought you were over wanting to ctb, some disgrace happens that sends you back to the pit.
I just can't help but wonder when the next blow will hit me, and if that's gonna be the final straw for me.

At least here i can find some kind of solace and comfort in that we're not alone suffering the pain that is to be alive.

Yes, exactly! I almost feel foolish for thinking this feeling would finally escape me. I've had a lifelong history of suicide attempts (my first when I was 3), and I was proud of myself for "overcoming" it all. No.. once those floodgates of suicidality are open, there's never going back it seems. It just makes it easier and easier to return again.

God and it pains me so badly to have to do this to my family. They never deserved this. FUCK.

 

[marinekiwi]

I think if you start wanting to ctb at a relatively young age, like most of us here, something in the brain "rewires" itself to accept that we will, someday, ctb.

It seems inevitable, but it's due to the fact that this world is inherently fucked up. It dwells and feasts on suffering.

 

[Kennish]

You are lucky. To even get the chance to not feel it. I've felt uncomfortable in my body and mind all my life. I would give anything for 1 year peace and not thinking about ending myself.

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case, I have wanted to ctb since I was very young, and I have never wanted anything to do with life. I will never be done with wanting to ctb. I'm sorry you are going through this. I wish you the best with your plans and I hope you find peace and freedom from suffering.

 

[_elliott]

Everything is worse now. I'm in recovery from addiction, and I thought I was finally seeing the 'the light'. Nope... my mistakes from the past, things I'd had never done while sober, are catching up with me. It's only a matter of time before my family hates me, my one reason to live. On the flip side, I guess at least that'll make it easier to CTB, right?

I'm thinking I'm going to try shallow water blackout with alcohol. I failed before, but it's literally just because I got impatient and kept drinking shots too fast - I was supposed to space them 30 minutes apart or something. This time I'm going to play a timer.. which kinda sucks, because I really wanna jam out and listen to my favorite albums before I die, but you gotta do what you gotta do. Maybe I'll get a cheapo separate mp3 player or something, I don't wanna make my death unpleasant.

Oddly specific I know, but is anyone else here due to their past catching up with them when they finally thought things were getting better?

get a cheapo mp3 and headphones set! you'll be surprised what cheap headphones on amazon can survive water. i used to listen to my music underwater in the bath all the time when i was depressed.

good luck in finding peace, hun <3

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Everything is worse now. I'm in recovery from addiction, and I thought I was finally seeing the 'the light'. Nope... my mistakes from the past, things I'd had never done while sober, are catching up with me. It's only a matter of time before my family hates me, my one reason to live. On the flip side, I guess at least that'll make it easier to CTB, right?

I'm thinking I'm going to try shallow water blackout with alcohol. I failed before, but it's literally just because I got impatient and kept drinking shots too fast - I was supposed to space them 30 minutes apart or something. This time I'm going to play a timer.. which kinda sucks, because I really wanna jam out and listen to my favorite albums before I die, but you gotta do what you gotta do. Maybe I'll get a cheapo separate mp3 player or something, I don't wanna make my death unpleasant.

Oddly specific I know, but is anyone else here due to their past catching up with them when they finally thought things were getting better?

Shallow water blackout sounds challenging no?