Those planning to ctb, are you excited about it?

[ssUser34]

I've been planning to commit for some time now. I will be in my home country in a few days where I will have access to SN, now the only thing left will be to plan a time where I will most likely not be discovered.

I'm honestly kind of excited to die if I do decide to go through with it. I wont have to deal with anything anymore, won't have to think about all the painful things in the back of my mind. I will just become a memory for everyone around me. I hope I will be remembered. Sure some things are holding me back, like what if it gets better. But honestly since it hasn't gotten better for half a year and mostly worse, I don't think so. At least not in the near future. So as soon as I get my hands on SN, the urge to ctb will probably win. But who knows.

I guess you could say I'm a little scared too, going back to the "what if it gets better" scenario. But at the same time, when I'm dead, I wont have to think about that, I will just cease to exist either way.

 

[Madison98]

I'm very much on the same boat as you, my SN just arrived today actually. I just spent the last 2 hours balling my eyes out while holding my SN packet. It's weird the tears weren't just coming from a place of sadness or agony but also relief. I not planning on using my SN anytime soon because there are a few things I have to wait to happen before I make my decision. It's just so goddamn comforting to know my preferred out is finally here. I don't have think about crashing my car, or blowing my head off with a gun or jumping off a building and traumatise everyone around me. I can settle in a place of peace and go easily.

Am I excited about CTB? No I'm not. I don't want to leave my kids without a parent or my family In pain because of my passing. I have friends that rely on me and love me. I wish more then anything my life didn't turn out the way it has, I dream about a different reality all the time and I'm so mad that this may never change or become better.

 

[ih34rty0u]

im scared and i also feel sad knowing that there are people living happy lives while i have to suffer. i wish there was a way to fix my problems other than ctb, but ive lived enough to realize it never really gets better.

 

[divinemistress36]

Im scared Im going to fuck it up. Excited for death

 

[PI3.14]

I'm only excited a bit and that cus my method isn't totally painless, it's partial suspension.

I would have been far more excited if I bad access to sn and the other drugs in the protocol.

 

[dissociation]

Yes, I'm excited, but I'm scared of surviving and being disabled.

 

[32yroldloser]

no im not really excited, but i am a little at peace, im a failure in life in every facet you can imagine, but ctb provides a solution, i just cease to exist

 

[PaxAmericaX]

Ditto. no im not really excited, but i am a little at peace, im a failure in life in every facet you can imagine, but ctb provides a solution, i just cease to existI could not write it better myself

Ditto. Couldnt have summed my situation up better

 

[ScholarOfDespair]

If only I had the courage and the conviction to finally do it.

 

[Hiro Uchiha]

I certainly am looking forward to it. I feel a little bit of everything and nothing all at once.

 

[itsgone2]

No. I had a chance at a different life. I just want this one to pass. So no, actually I'm very sad to be here.

 

[Insomniac Butterfly]

I am dreading it because of the potential pain.
Knowing I don't have to work on anything in my life and in myself is a relief though. A bitter relief.
Life and death are terrifying in their own ways.
Wishing you peace in any form that it takes.

 

[Kitsune_BCN]

For me the word is "expectant" more than excited but yes. If you are suffering, the possibility of ending it it cant be anything but a a net positive thing and, as such, i think its normal to be more or less excited. Mixed with tons of terror ofc

 

[Forveleth]

I do not feel excitement over it but then again with my depression I do not feel excitement over anything.

 

[broken serenity]

It makes me feel this rush, like planning to cancel a stressful obligation, but way better.

 

[persepexa]

I've been planning to commit for some time now. I will be in my home country in a few days where I will have access to SN, now the only thing left will be to plan a time where I will most likely not be discovered.

I'm honestly kind of excited to die if I do decide to go through with it. I wont have to deal with anything anymore, won't have to think about all the painful things in the back of my mind. I will just become a memory for everyone around me. I hope I will be remembered. Sure some things are holding me back, like what if it gets better. But honestly since it hasn't gotten better for half a year and mostly worse, I don't think so. At least not in the near future. So as soon as I get my hands on SN, the urge to ctb will probably win. But who knows.

I guess you could say I'm a little scared too, going back to the "what if it gets better" scenario. But at the same time, when I'm dead, I wont have to think about that, I will just cease to exist either way.

Tbh I'm not excited at all. I'm actually really sad that it's gotten to this point where I know feel this is my only option. But I'm in the same boat as you in terms of it having not gotten better in so long (years in my case) that I just can't believe it will ever get better. I just want to not exist any more if I'm being honest. Excited wouldn't be the right word to describe it.