Venting this isn't a life worth living

[mahoganylvr]

hi. i haven't been on here in a while, but i graduated college. i got a job and then another job. my friends left me and they say they're coming back but i know that they won't. my bpd is so severe that i'm in an actual study for treatment. my girlfriend and i are medium distance and our 2 year anniversary is in 5 days, but my stupid disordered personality ruined it long before now. i've acted so horrible that she's defensive every time she talks to me. i've abused her on accident just by being myself. no wonder why no one wants to stick by me. i'm sick. i'm sick and i've been trying to get better my whole life but in my efforts i've just turned into an abrasive, manipulative asshole. i don't think there are any good parts of me left. when s left me in 2020, she took a piece of me. when r and i left, another was gone. when they left in 2022, more of myself was out of my hands. in 2023, they took the rest. i don't know how there is still more to take, but in 2025 i think i'm in the negatives while everyone else holds me in their hands, hoarding it and i can never get it back.
i work 50 hours over 4 days a week, yet all my days off are spent in my house. i always dreamed of having a place of my own, but it's just as miserable as everything else in my life. when i touch my dreams, they get ill. i'm contagious. i spent my time in my room while my roommate (maybe friend, maybe not) spends time with my 'friends' that don't talk to me anymore. i can't maintain any relationships and i'm a burden on the ones i still have. i have a lot what i want, but without a social support system i might as well be dead already. i have a crippling nicotine addiction that's making my chest and back hurt because i'm poisoning my organs. i try to quit, but i can't commit. i'm rapidly becoming an alcoholic and i have to be really really careful not to try anything else because i know that i'll get addicted immediately.
i can't go back to school because in the US my desired program of study meets the ideological requirements of domestic terrorism, whatever the fuck that means. even if i write a writing sample and get accepted, i won't get funding anyways. i don't have the energy or the schedule to be active in my local politics, which is a huge value of mine. i am a failure. i'm nothing that i was supposed to be. i achieved my dreams, but i'm a shell. i have no idea what i'm doing with my life. i don't know who i am anymore, and i don't think any relationship or friendship i have will ever work out. all i want is to be loved in a way i understand. all i want is attention, is praise, is to be seen and understood. my gf loves me unconditionally, but what does that matter if she doesn't understand the way i think and feel. i am nothing without others. i only exist because i want other people to look at me, to talk to me, to love me. yet when they do, they either don't do it right or they leave because what they see is too much. too loud, too passionate, too emotional.
my very essence works so differently than everyone else's that i'm destined to be miserable. even if i get treatment, how much of the skills i learn are just stifling myself and lying to myself and others. i can't afford another visit to the psych ward financially, and i work with mentally ill teens in a residential facility. if i attempt, i might as well quit because i'm in no position to help them. i just keep getting worse. the world keeps getting worse. there is no place for me here.


^ this is a song that i'm listening to a lot right now.

 

[mahoganylvr]

i just wanted to say that y'alls reactions mean the world to me. i genuinely cried when i saw that some people out there were listening or could relate. thank you. <3

 

[Forever Sleep]

I so wish I could say something helpful or reassuring. Reading your experience though, I can understand how difficult it must feel to you. I can't pretend to understand it fully but, I can relate to wanting more from a friend (not romantically- just in terms of depth of caring/ understanding) than they could give.

My ultimate 'solution' I suppose has to end up isolating. Not having expectations on others to begin with meant I didn't have to go through the disappointment of realising I meant less to them. I wouldn't necessarily advise that though. It's probably not a healthy way to live.

It sounds like you've worked so hard too. I feel even worse for people who've put so much effort in.

I wonder if your girlfriend is more accepting/ understanding of you than you think. I'm not so convinced that unconditional love does exist outside of blood bonds. Ultimately, I think we do put up with less than great behaviour from our friends/ relationships because we do still find a lot of value in them. I feel sure she does love parts of you.

The difficulty though I suppose might be in satiating needs. As I say- I can relate to having insatiable needs for understanding and compassion. I didn't like how vulnerable they made me. So, I suppose I've tried to go in the other direction of trying not to need people.