I've decided. One more year and then I'm out. I'm thinking next June or July.
I tried to convince myself I could live another 10-20 years to outlive my mother. I cannot. And I don't feel like it's my job to do that anyway. I'm going to pick up an extra job to earn some more money so that I can pay off her debt before I pass. I think I would have more than fulfilled my responsibilities to my parent by doing that.
I had the pain this is going to cause her. But why is it better that I live in daily agony so she doesn't have to? I'm still debating the method. I'm leaning toward jumping. 4-5 seconds of fear. Either that or drowning.
Going to get my will in order and set aside money for cremation. Oddly? I'm looking forward to the rest of the year. I know that it will be my last, and at the end of it this will all be over.
Unlike most people here, I secretly hope for some afterlife. But I don't want to be in the afterlife as "me". I hope to be reincarnated to a kinder world and have a gentle, calm life to makeup for this one. Or I hope to wakeup and find that this was all some twisted simulation. But I know the most likely answer is eternal oblivion. Ah well. At least I won't be disappointed by the lack of an afterlife!
Part of me wants to stay alive and see what technological advancements take place, but I know that's probably not going to happen either. Que sera sera!
I tried to convince myself I could live another 10-20 years to outlive my mother. I cannot. And I don't feel like it's my job to do that anyway. I'm going to pick up an extra job to earn some more money so that I can pay off her debt before I pass. I think I would have more than fulfilled my responsibilities to my parent by doing that.
I had the pain this is going to cause her. But why is it better that I live in daily agony so she doesn't have to? I'm still debating the method. I'm leaning toward jumping. 4-5 seconds of fear. Either that or drowning.
Going to get my will in order and set aside money for cremation. Oddly? I'm looking forward to the rest of the year. I know that it will be my last, and at the end of it this will all be over.
Unlike most people here, I secretly hope for some afterlife. But I don't want to be in the afterlife as "me". I hope to be reincarnated to a kinder world and have a gentle, calm life to makeup for this one. Or I hope to wakeup and find that this was all some twisted simulation. But I know the most likely answer is eternal oblivion. Ah well. At least I won't be disappointed by the lack of an afterlife!
Part of me wants to stay alive and see what technological advancements take place, but I know that's probably not going to happen either. Que sera sera!
