These are my final moments of my greatest opportunity in life. At this very moment they're completely wasted and there's nothing I can do about it...

[Sakura.]

It's another day of me being locked in a room, alone, without a single human connection, without a single word spoken, and without the opportunity to write a single word to anyone. My interactions in the real world are different from those of neurotypical people, but despite this, I would be able to talk to others and be friends with them if they wanted to. But they don't. No one wants to be friends with me or talk to me, and when I try to do so on my own, my interactions don't work. I no longer know if this is because my autism makes me incompatible with other people and it's not really their fault, or if they truly simply perceive me as retarded and want nothing to do with me. I'm also unable to talk to other people online because of my autism, and in this case, it's truly a matter of incompatibility—which doesn't change the fact that it hurts me terribly.

For some time now, I've been writing on this forum that "these are my last days living in the big city." And indeed, it was true, these were my unspecified last days. But a moment ago, I realized that... these are my penultimate days living here. Tomorrow will be my last, and the day after tomorrow I'll be moving out.


Not so long ago, living in a big city was my greatest value—even if it only brought me immense pain, and I had no opportunity to take advantage of any of the opportunities it offered. Until recently, I was thinking about what it would be like during my last days living there. How painful they would be, how much I would regret having to move out, what a loss it would be to have all these opportunities, to have lost all this value of this big city. How much I would want to do everything in my power in these last days to make the most of this time, to once again—as I had done for years—take a walk, which was the only thing I could do in this place. To once again walk around all the places I've seen here all these years, passed by on these walks, which have somehow connected with me.

But now I'm in such a terrible mental state that even on this last or penultimate day, I can't leave my room. I kind of needed to go to the grocery store today to buy a few things, but I couldn't even do that. Anytime I went out onto the streets of this city, anytime I saw all these wonderful people, would be such an extreme self-harm for me that I wouldn't be able to bear it.


These are my last moments of this great opportunity, and with full awareness of it, I'm completely wasting them, unable to do anything about it.

 

[Dingo23]

I remember that I had similar feelings during my last days of school. Everyone was doing something productive. They all had plans and hopes for the future. I just felt nothing. I just watched them from the outside and then that day was over.

There is just something missing there, something that should have happened but never came to fruition. It feels as if I should have experienced the beauty of existence there but ist just grazed me, then rushed past me.

What did you hope to find in the city? Some love? Some kind of fullfillment?