There is one thing wrong with my life - which is the only reason I feel this way

[affirmatice]

My heart goes out to all on this site. We all feel similarly, but we also all have various reasons behind why we feel the way we do.

Not many can say this, but maybe some can relate. I have one thing, exactly one thing in my life that has caused me immeasurable distress, depression, and caused me to be unable to enjoy everything else in my life that is going well - beyond well.

And I know I am blessed to have a good career, good friends, decent family, and even past relationships that have meant a lot to me.

But throughout all that is going well, this one thing has sapped all my enjoyment, all my excitement, all my happiness. I went to therapy, and the more we talked, the more it became clear that I did not have some pre-existing mental disorder that has caused me to feel this way. I'm more or less a "normal" human who experienced something terrible and for the past half-decade, have been unable to cope with my own life. That's it.

 

[LunarLight]

Do you want to open up and talk about this one thing? I would perfectly understand if you didn't want to.

 

[affirmatice]

Do you want to open up and talk about this one thing? I would perfectly understand if you didn't want to.

Thank you for the offer. I guess, I don't necessarily mind opening up - but it's a long story. And unfortunately, it's a difficult type of mental discomfort because opening up doesn't necessarily help the pain (i've talked about it to a few people including a therapist).

In summary, It's a physical problem with me. But the physical problem is also the cause of all my mental problems. A physical problem which has no cure. Basically my entire mental suffering is with myself. Not with anyone else, or any other life circumstance.

So i've found that the typical things that people suggest with depression don't really help me. I can talk about it - but I still physically/mentally suffer. I can go out and do things - but I don't enjoy them at all because this is all I can focus on is this. I can try to improve myself (which I have always done endlessly) - but it never makes me feel better because I know in the back of my mind that with this, i'll never be happy.

This puts me in a really difficult position mentally. I've been living in a brain fog for the last year because my depression over it has gotten so severe. On one hand, it seems maybe silly to end an overall decent life over this one thing. On the other hand, it doesn't seem to be any present or future where I can obtain any sort of peace or happiness.