theonethatsleeps
between pain and nothing, I'd chosen nothing
- Nov 10, 2025
- 12
I recently started therapy. I have only been there for a couple of times but I already dislike it.
Talking about my problems feels all wrong. I usually don't talk or vent about anything that's going on in my head, so it feels like she is ripping me apart. I just know that she doesn't understand me at all. One day we are talking about how I show symptoms of social anxiety, the other day that topic is completely gone and she starts nagging about my eating conditions. I know I have problems, but she has to be exaggerating. I had to tell her my weight and after she calculated my BMI, she told me I'm really underweight. I'm close to a BMI of 15 and she told me that anyone with a BMI below 15 needs to get medical treatment in a clinic. I know I am skinny and have my problems, but that was the first time someone actually talked about it with me and it did not feel good at all. My therapist just kept on asking me if I control which food I consume and she just won't believe me. I suspect to have ARFID, not anorexia. But no matter how hard I try, I just can not get myself to open up about anything that matters really. Then, out of the blue, she asked me why I self-harm, which completely threw me off. I told her I didn't want to talk about it and she was fine with that, but all of these things just make me extremely uncomfortable. I never talk about anything with anyone and whenever my parents ask me about it, I just stay completely silent, because my mind won't cooperate. It feels like I constantly need to get worse, so that I can have something people will be shocked to learn about me. I thought I could one day burst out the secrets I've been holding in for so long, but everyday I get reminded that telling anyone about what is going on inside my head just fills me with fear and disgust. It took courage writing this. Does it make any sense?
Talking about my problems feels all wrong. I usually don't talk or vent about anything that's going on in my head, so it feels like she is ripping me apart. I just know that she doesn't understand me at all. One day we are talking about how I show symptoms of social anxiety, the other day that topic is completely gone and she starts nagging about my eating conditions. I know I have problems, but she has to be exaggerating. I had to tell her my weight and after she calculated my BMI, she told me I'm really underweight. I'm close to a BMI of 15 and she told me that anyone with a BMI below 15 needs to get medical treatment in a clinic. I know I am skinny and have my problems, but that was the first time someone actually talked about it with me and it did not feel good at all. My therapist just kept on asking me if I control which food I consume and she just won't believe me. I suspect to have ARFID, not anorexia. But no matter how hard I try, I just can not get myself to open up about anything that matters really. Then, out of the blue, she asked me why I self-harm, which completely threw me off. I told her I didn't want to talk about it and she was fine with that, but all of these things just make me extremely uncomfortable. I never talk about anything with anyone and whenever my parents ask me about it, I just stay completely silent, because my mind won't cooperate. It feels like I constantly need to get worse, so that I can have something people will be shocked to learn about me. I thought I could one day burst out the secrets I've been holding in for so long, but everyday I get reminded that telling anyone about what is going on inside my head just fills me with fear and disgust. It took courage writing this. Does it make any sense?