Venting The rapid shift of emotions is really exhausting

[tulipsforever]

I just want to end it all and tbh I don't even know why I still can't do it. I've tried multiple times and failed and to be a hundred percent honest, I was hoping for it to fail during attempts.

One second I feel euphoric, another second I'm wanting to CTB. Yesterday I've ran around telling everyone that I'm happy and how beautiful life is, 30 minutes later I was planning to end it all.

I just want people to notice that I'm not really doing good whenever I said I am. I am sick in the head for so long.

I really hope I can CTB this year.

 

[Minnieflower:)]

Hey I understand what you're feeling the mood swings are honestly one of the worst parts of this, which is also why I want to be able to CTB by December. I too often sometimes feel euphoric and then completely down and want to SH or have a strong impulse to attempt. What I've been doing is just keeping myself in check and quiet about when I have those "feel good" moments because I know it'll pass in the blink of an eye and I don't want one of the last perceptions of my person to be considered as an emotional roller coaster.

I talked to one of my friends about this and I told her the way I see it is, I would rather be down all the time than have a small amount of euphoria because the back and forth, up and down of it all makes me fatigued. The emotional distress and confusion this causes doesn't allow me to think clearly about my attempt and I really want this to work. I feel like I have to make myself stop looking for moments where I could enjoy myself like hanging out with a friend etc.. which is annoying because I wanted my last days to be spent with some sort of enjoyment but I know that doing this will only lead to a delay in what I know I have to do at some point (CTB) and I would rather do it as soon as I can.

Do you have any specific instances that trigger these euphoric moments? Or does it just happen? I tend to think of those moments as intrusive thoughts and my brain trying to manipulate itself because of survival instincts.