The overwhelming sadness and guilt after seeing friends/family

[brokenbutterflies]

It's weird, I know with certainty that I will end my life and I've made my peace with that. I am more sure of that than I have been of anything in a long time. I am not afraid, I have no doubts about what I will do. Yet, recently whenever I've met up with friends and occasionally family, I have been filled with this overwhelming sadness, sometimes while out, but always afterwards.

I feel guilty that I pretend to be normal and pretend to have future plans to meet past the date I've set. I feel sad because I know I'm undoubtedly going to hurt them with my decision. I feel like I'm hiding this huge secret that I obviously can't tell them. I wish I could just enjoy the rare times I see other people and consider that as a nice memory to leave them with as their last of me, but instead it just makes me feel sad. I also feel as though I don't deserve to have those fleeting moments of happiness with them when I know I'm going to hurt them.

I guess my question is, do others feel like this too?

 

[AliceTheGoon]

Yes absolutely, that's why I've shut them all out. I don't want to be an important part of anyone's life when I go.

 

[brokenbutterflies]

Yes absolutely, that's why I've shut them all out. I don't want to be an important part of anyone's life when I go.

I'm so sorry you've experienced this too. It's a horrible feeling. I wish I could cut people out but because of my history with attempting, they'd know straight away what I was about to do and try to prevent it. I wish I didn't have to be close to anyone so I could spare them and myself the pain.

 

[slushy]

Agh I feel that. The other day I was sitting on my laptop on this damn website researching methods and I could hear them talking and laughing in the kitchen and I just started crying. Not for myself but for them. Knowing I'm going to ruin the joy they have...

 

[brokenbutterflies]

Agh I feel that. The other day I was sitting on my laptop on this damn website researching methods and I could hear them talking and laughing in the kitchen and I just started crying. Not for myself but for them. Knowing I'm going to ruin the joy they have...

I relate to this so much, since discovering this forum I've just spent so much time on it and whenever I can hear my family talking in the background I feel awful. It's a horrible feeling and I'm sorry you share it.