The longer I wait, the harder it gets and the more desperate I become

[aneurysm]

5. Dan Caine - Remnants 16:51


I have been planing forever. But every time, I end up failing, I end up giving up my plan.
I always end up lurking on here, I hate this place. I hate that I feel safer here. I hate that I belong here.

I realized one thing over the course of these years, and it is that in life, even the victories aren't mine. The failures aren't mine and the victories aren't either.

It's the system who decided. I am basically a slave, have always been, will always be.

I used to want to die because I was miserable. But now, I want to die because I care about myself. I want to die because this is not acceptable. This life, this condition is not acceptable. I want to die out of self respect. I want to die out of self compassion. I want to die out of reason. I want to die out of freedom. I want to die out of sanity. I want to die out of repentance.

This world is truly abject. Have you ever felt sorry seeing a deer being eaten alive by a lion? Well don't. If you are here, you know exactly what it feels like to be eaten alive. Some of us spend our whole life being eaten alive. There are small moments of respite, but we know that the lion will come back and feed on us soon. And we can't ask for help because our agony is invisible to those who can save us.The horror of what is happening is invisible not perceptible to ourselves and to others and so we spend our agony in self-blame. Thinking that the suffering comes from our own incapacities.

I used to feel sorry for slaves in history books, I never realized I was one.

The biggest life in this life is that we have ourselves.

 

[WornOutLife]

I agree with you, We're kinda slaves of the systems.
Also, I feel the same. I just can't wait anymore to CTB but I simply can't do it now. Too many problems to deal with.

Anyway, hope we can feel better soon and be at peace.

Send you hugs and love

 

[insanedoomer]

5. Dan Caine - Remnants 16:51


I have been planing forever. But every time, I end up failing, I end up giving up my plan.
I always end up lurking on here, I hate this place. I hate that I feel safer here. I hate that I belong here.

I realized one thing over the course of these years, and it is that in life, even the victories aren't mine. The failures aren't mine and the victories aren't either.

It's the system who decided. I am basically a slave, have always been, will always be.

I used to want to die because I was miserable. But now, I want to die because I care about myself. I want to die because this is not acceptable. This life, this condition is not acceptable. I want to die out of self respect. I want to die out of self compassion. I want to die out of reason. I want to die out of freedom. I want to die out of sanity. I want to die out of repentance.

This world is truly abject. Have you ever felt sorry seeing a deer being eaten alive by a lion? Well don't. If you are here, you know exactly what it feels like to be eaten alive. Some of us spend our whole life being eaten alive. There are small moments of respite, but we know that the lion will come back and feed on us soon. And we can't ask for help because our agony is invisible to those who can save us.The horror of what is happening is invisible not perceptible to ourselves and to others and so we spend our agony in self-blame. Thinking that the suffering comes from our own incapacities.

I used to feel sorry for slaves in history books, I never realized I was one.

The biggest life in this life is that we have ourselves.

i understand you 100% because it's the same for me , i hope you find your peace one day .

 

[Yasuke]

Well people do suicide at all phases of their life and you know it's a build up. Some people do it in 30 40s 50 even older so don't feel too bad if you can't find the will to do it right now. Its not your fault you don't really wanna die that's your programming it just happen to lose its will to live as well ironically.