I want help I'm never going to be able to get. I really hate this world. I really hate the things that have happened to me. I hate that I'm not the kind of person who can just deal with it. I hate that that's the only kind of people around me and in my life, people with no empathy that just say to deal with it.
I don't know if it's mental health or sleep issues or something else, but I almost never dream (or remember dreams if you want to be that person). I haven't since I was a teenager, I'm nearing 30 now. I might have a couple dreams a month. Last night I went to bed hoping so much that I could have a dream, a nice dream that I could escape into for a while. I had a dream, but it was more of a nightmare. Seems like the majority of the times I do have dreams I can remember, they're mostly nightmares that I wake up sweaty from. My dreams are always very vivid when I do have them and I can remember them after waking up. The one last night was full of violence, anger, fear, and past trauma all remixed into a new hell I got to spend 13 hours in. Yeah I fucked up and overslept by a ridiculous amount too. Fuck my life.
I took my method out of the closet and I've just had it sitting next to me having the imagination of doing it replay in my mind endlessly. Most of the times in the past it would really unsettle me, all the "what if's" but I don't know now. I don't feel as worried. I feel like I'm really close to finally being able to do it. So much fucking bullshit every fucking day of my life. I hate being utterly alone. No family, no friends, literally no one to talk to. I spend as much time as possible completely alone. I'm socially inept and sick of being hurt. I keep thinking about how getting therapy and a psychiatrist and medication might help me so much, but how many months would it take of trial and error to get anywhere? I can't even afford that lmao.
I don't want to be alive, I want to die so much, but I want to experience the few decent things there are about being alive too. I almost don't care anymore. Today I feel like some of my anger, frustration, and despair has turned into apathy. Nothing is ever going to get better, if anything ever changes it will only ever be for the worse. I can't stand this life. I can't stand how miserable the future is guaranteed to be. I know everything that I want, I know everything that I am, I know everything that I lack. I hate my existence. I hate myself. I hate the things that can't be changed just as much as I hate what I've become. I hate myself for even making posts like this. I'm such a worthless piece of pointless shit. I hate myself for not being able to just fucking do it already and for still clinging to whatever good there still is in this evil and fucked up world.
I have already given up, why the fuck can't I just check out?
I don't know if it's mental health or sleep issues or something else, but I almost never dream (or remember dreams if you want to be that person). I haven't since I was a teenager, I'm nearing 30 now. I might have a couple dreams a month. Last night I went to bed hoping so much that I could have a dream, a nice dream that I could escape into for a while. I had a dream, but it was more of a nightmare. Seems like the majority of the times I do have dreams I can remember, they're mostly nightmares that I wake up sweaty from. My dreams are always very vivid when I do have them and I can remember them after waking up. The one last night was full of violence, anger, fear, and past trauma all remixed into a new hell I got to spend 13 hours in. Yeah I fucked up and overslept by a ridiculous amount too. Fuck my life.
I took my method out of the closet and I've just had it sitting next to me having the imagination of doing it replay in my mind endlessly. Most of the times in the past it would really unsettle me, all the "what if's" but I don't know now. I don't feel as worried. I feel like I'm really close to finally being able to do it. So much fucking bullshit every fucking day of my life. I hate being utterly alone. No family, no friends, literally no one to talk to. I spend as much time as possible completely alone. I'm socially inept and sick of being hurt. I keep thinking about how getting therapy and a psychiatrist and medication might help me so much, but how many months would it take of trial and error to get anywhere? I can't even afford that lmao.
I don't want to be alive, I want to die so much, but I want to experience the few decent things there are about being alive too. I almost don't care anymore. Today I feel like some of my anger, frustration, and despair has turned into apathy. Nothing is ever going to get better, if anything ever changes it will only ever be for the worse. I can't stand this life. I can't stand how miserable the future is guaranteed to be. I know everything that I want, I know everything that I am, I know everything that I lack. I hate my existence. I hate myself. I hate the things that can't be changed just as much as I hate what I've become. I hate myself for even making posts like this. I'm such a worthless piece of pointless shit. I hate myself for not being able to just fucking do it already and for still clinging to whatever good there still is in this evil and fucked up world.
I have already given up, why the fuck can't I just check out?
