The feeling of "what if"

[BrokenHopes]

As life goes by and with several and consistant attempts at getting better it seems more and more likely that I will have to end my own life one day.

I have often visited the crossroads where I do not want to exist anymore, the pain is too overwhelming. But then the "what if" feeling comes along.
What if it can get better, what happens if I do this, what if something good would have happend just after I ctb, what will I miss? What if life can be better. What if there is a way? It never stops. And it is highly irrational because most likely things will only get worse, or more work is required than I am able to put in.

For the day when I will have to ctb. Any advice on how to get over this "what if feeling" ?

 

[motel rooms]

Accept the fact that you'll never completely get rid of it

 

[logan]

All people have this problem - they just deal with it differently. Nobody knows exactly what the future will bring.

 

[hʚll]

for me that what if feeling is just life's way of deceiving me into suffering more for nothing.. it doesn't affect me anymore

 

[BrokenHopes]

All people have this problem - they just deal with it differently. Nobody knows exactly what the future will bring.

Yes I understand this is not exclusive for me If we knew it would all be easy. I just really have no good way of dealing with it I guess, when it comes to the future inevitable ctb.

Accept the fact that you'll never completely get rid of it

Yeah acceptance is often a good strategy.

for me that what if feeling is just life's way of deceiving me into suffering more for nothing.. it doesn't affect me anymore

I am sorry to hear this. I hope you will in the way that is best for you, find a way out of your suffering.

 

[EraseRewind]

I've often used the "What if" scenarios to force myself in to looking again at the why's of my suicidal thoughts and ideation, many times these have worked and there has been a delay or postponing of action. The reality of course is that the feelings never leave and has already been said, I have to accept that this is my state of existence and anything else is a deception as mentioned previously in the thread.

I have taken the decision to work through a plan to reach an equitable end. I'm removing some of my digital footprint and finalising some details around outstanding work and my finances. This feels more comfortable and leaves me with space and time to exist on my own terms and it settles some of the external what if questions for me.

Like many I endure the possibility that one day I could recover but after 40 something years of depression and self medicating with booze, that I stopped some years back, I'm not holding my breath. I have taken the decision to make myself vulnerable and exposed myself to external real life criticism and potential damaging comment, that will hopefully force some of the desperation that I need to do something about the exit door. It's time, it feels right but I need a push to get me through the inertia and anxieties.

I'm in no rush but there is a sense of inevitability in my mind.

 

[FuneralCry]

Maybe you feel like this because suicide is such a final option and it is the end of everything and because of our survival instinct, we are programmed to live, your mind tries to convince you that things could get better. False hope is painful, I agree especially when we are in a hopeless situation. I see ctb as inevitable for me as well. Any hope would be a delusion for me.