The feeling of wanting to CTB is gone

[iplantoleave]

Ever since the 14th and 15th of this month (failed attempts) I don't really want to CTB anymore. I don't necessarily want to live either. I know it has to happen though, like the entire direction of my life rn was dependent on me being gone this month. So many things coming up in July and August that I don't want to deal with. This will sound awful, but I wish the feeling came back and I could finally have some peace.. Everyday feels like I'm just waiting.. nothing happens. I'm not productive or anything and I have done literally nothing with my life lol..

It's like a wave of numbness took over. I don't feel anything but my depression symptoms are still present, lack of eating, poor sleeping schedule, etc.

I don't even want a chance of recovery because I know it will take a HUGE effort for me to get over all my issues.. I just don't have the strength for it. I really wish the feeling of wanting to CTB takes over soon..

Sorry for the confusing post I just don't know how to be anymore..

 

[C_F]

I'm in a very similar boat. I figure, for me, the strong urge will return though - it always has. Until then, I'm just sitting here, floating in no direction.

 

[ClairyFairy]

I'm disheartened by my last failed attempt at the start of the year. My injuries are still rampant. I've had a few fleeting moments where I've felt the glimmer of hope come back but nothing much. I haven't the energy to do anything about anything let alone ctb

 

[logan]

I can empathise with your situation.
I feel the same way. Unfortunately, there is no hope that it will get better and nothing good can be expected in the near future. You just feel lost.

 

[FuneralCry]

Ctb does require desperation in order to overcome the survival instinct. It can be hard to die. I would do anything just to peacefully leave this world. I understand that failed attempts can drain all of our energy away.

 

[Arrow]

I've noticed recently that I am feeling a similar way. I can't say I want to die, but I know I don't want to live. I'm in waking Limbo, and not really sure what to do or want anymore.

 

[virtually_anybody]

I understand what you mean. Honestly am just filling the numb period with intense planning for when the feelings do come back. When they do I'll have an executable plan to carry out should the desperation come. That way my "impulse instinct " is impulsive on a plan.

 

[Bullit]

Ditto. What's going to happen. I don't know.

 

[fly away]

I've found that over the years, there were times when I was so depressed that I didn't even have the energy or mindset to do anything but lie in bed, let alone plan how to ctb. But the thoughts always came back.