The fear of experiencing trauma

[Water-Lily]

I know that on my path to leaving my toxic home, is to work. I start my job next week, and I'm also looking into moving to my families vacation home to live/go to grad school in the next year or so. My father has given me the ok for it, so I'd have a huge house to myself to live in (rent free). As great as all this sounds, I cannot stop thinking of the inevitable

Trauma

I already experienced severe childhood trauma already. Physical, emotional, verbal abuse, etc. Invalidation, manipulation, gaslighting, and so on. I have been pushed to suicidality, told to die, was mocked for my body, shaved to look "aproppriate", and other disgusting/tarumatic things. School bullying happened, along with sexual abuse at my university. This, and having to continue living, is just more trauma on top of all the shit I suffered. All the shit that leaves me wanting to die will be inevitably compounded by life itself. I will have to go through it to get to a place where I feel "better". Where I can heal my traumas more effectively, expand my mental health options, and develop resiliency

Its sad, that after years of trauma, will be more trauma. I feel if you at least grew up in a healthy family home and have supportive people, then its a little better. Not to invalidate the struggles of those with happy childhoods/homes, nor to imply that a happy childhood prevents suffering. People suffer no matter where they come from. Living life is trauma. But for those who don't have that healthy start. Those who's minds and bodies are already wrecked from abuse stemming in their younger years. Those who have to battle more traumas on top of their own, its fucking hard

I am so anxious starting work next week. Thinking of the challenges I will inevitably face in my life. I know taking it day by day and being kind to myself is important for my mental health. But I cannot not think about the future challenges and the road of inner healing that lies ahead of me

It is scary, and I often feel I might inevitably suicide just because it'll one day be too hard.

 

[ikadasui]

I know for certain had I not been exposed to the people I was as a child my life would be completely different. Schools are a mistake, nothing good will come from putting young in a random environment full of people from all different backgrounds and mental health issues for the sake of "diverse learning". completely fucked my life up and I deeply wish I had never set foot in a school to experience the trauma that inevitably came from being exposed to my peers

 

[CommitSudoku]

Last I had heard you had given up on a job, but now I read you've gotten one - congratulations for overcoming everything to this point and getting one. What's your new work like? I'd like to hear more about it. I understand that anxiety, I've only had two jobs but I would say I'm fairly good at anxiety and have more experience there. Just something to remember but, you put yourself out there and they accepted you. They say potential in you, and once they accept you they'll want to see it through. They'll invest in you and already have by hiring you. Some jobs do this less than others just since they're so crazy busy, but still. It's a two way process. Don't feel you have to stay there either. If you don't like it, you can try other things. The applying process sucks, but now you've succeeded in it once - congrats again.

Living life is trauma.

Well put. I wish I had better things to say related to the trauma but my head is dead exhausted. I'm sorry all these thoughts and fears are still hounding you when you're putting yourself out there to try to be in a better course on life.

It is scary, and I often feel I might inevitably suicide just because it'll one day be too hard.

I can relate to this. Living life scares me so much, especially thinking of every day continuing in the state it is for me. Getting "help" scares me too, so I'm lost on what to do and if it's even worth it to change myself. But I had a thought earlier that if we're stuck here anyways we might as well try to make it better in that time. Not that I'll act on that, but still.

Best wishes with the job. I'm on infrequently but feel free to shoot a PM if you'd ever like to.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you are in this situation, this life is just so cruel and unfair. It is such an horrible world we live in where there is so much suffering. Many people are disadvantaged through no fault of their own. I know that it is awful having anxiety and dread for the future. I wish you the best in whatever happens.