Venting The fatigue of just carrying on.

[spero_meliora]

At the moment, life feels exhausting. And I feel so selfish for saying that, as I have by all means what one would consider a very good life.

It's a strange current state of existence, one where hope feels both elusive and necessary, yet often overshadowed by medical issues and a world that seems intent on fracturing itself.

I've come to recognise that this isn't rooted solely in despair, but in a complex web of circumstances with health being a primary factor. But there's a part of me still yearns to discover reasons to endure. I want to believe that life holds moments worth fighting for, even if they're buried beneath layers of fatigue and depression at the moment.

The exhaustion is mental, physical, emotional. Chronic health issues with depression, vertigo, insomnia, and pain have worn me down. The current state of the world certainly doesn't help. But I am stubborn. I quietly hope that perhaps my circumstances can shift, that resilience of some kind might yet forge a different path forward. I find myself clinging to that silly, fragile notion, even as it flickers uncertainly in the dark.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, if you did. Venting to those who understand helps.

 

[DTA]

I understand your guilt. But you can't compare your suffering to the suffering of others. What I mean by that is that your suffering is every bit as real and valid as someone else's.

For instance, while I've never been a rich man, I've had points where I made more money than I knew what to do with. I lived in a nice home, had lots of free time, was in good health.

I've also been so poor that I had to sleep on a friend's couch and look for change in the street just to buy a packet of ramen for dinner.

I was happier poor than not. That's because I lacked the things that made me happy when I had the money - my hometown, my friends and family...

My point is that a healthy, wealthy person can have their own unique reasons for dispair different from those of a poor person. But both their sufferings are equally real.

I emphasize with you on the dispair over the state of the world. I wish I could offer you advice on that, but I have none!

 

[SoulCage]

I feel the pain you are describing. Recovery and hope feels strange and like the wrong choice. Wanting to enjoy things, but knowing that the price is more time spent suffering.
I am also seeing my health problems, especially exhaustion, as the primary reason for rejecting existence - thinking it would be better to just escape it. Right now, I have circumstances that make life "bearable", but it's only temporary. I don't know if I can live like society expects me to.

Thank you for your words, it's indeed very comforting to know that people also try to hold on despite knowing it is not easy or worth it.

 

[spero_meliora]

Now that I am much more awake - thank you both for replying and sharing your thoughts. It always helps to know that others feel the same way.

It's an especially interesting point you bring up, @DTA - perhaps we've had slightly similar trajectories in this life, as I can relate quite well. There were times where I had much less, yet for some reason my brainmeats were much more content with the situation of living.

I'm sorry to hear that you are also going through health struggles, @SoulCage. If you ever need to vent, you have a shoulder here. May the circumstances that make things bearable for you continue or even improve

 

[sambrosia]

I relate. Being alive is an incredible amount of work for something I don't necessarily want to do much of the time. I like what you said about the notion of a different path flickering uncertainly in the dark.

I've been told it's small steps and they will make a difference. I get overwhelmed by everything at once and can't do much as a result, but yeah, small steps can make the different path real.