Test Fired my 32cal Pistol

[Amossoma543]

I went out on the porch and test fired it. I just got the urge, because I'm getting frustrated with my fears. I have the SN...I mixed it up yesterday and decided to wait until today. So now I'm feeling impulsive and want to just DO one of these. I have a package of Double Blue razor blades, the SN mixture, and my .32 pistol. I just went outside and fired it and it has one helluva punch. If I point between my ribs, just a tad left of sternum, I don't think I'd survive long. I'd suffer, but might go into shock fast. Or I could down the SN...I took half an Ambien and a Xanax, so I'm feeling mellow and relaxed.

I have to do something. I cannot keep living. I can't go into all details, but living will just make everbody's lives more complicated and they'll eventually resent me. Plus...I fucking just don't want to live. I'm tired of trying to justify it (am I trying to convince myself?). I know it's not going to get better...and the plugs I've put in the holes of this sinking boat are starting to come out. Before too long, it's going to be far more complicated and doing it will be harder. I need to just DO IT.

Over-analyzing posts I'm seeing here about the problems with SN are giving me serious anxiety about that method...but I am practically 100% sure it's going to work. I will not be found for hours, if at all...and I won't call 911.

I wish I had a friend HERE willing to sit with me while I did it. Maybe I just don't want to die alone.

 

[TAW122]

I'm sorry that life has been hell for you. If you aren't ready, then that's ok, there is no real rush to get it done (which could be even worse if you aren't careful with your attempt). Whatever you do, I hope you are able to find peace.

 

[Amossoma543]

I'm sorry that life has been hell for you. If you aren't ready, then that's ok, there is no real rush to get it done (which could be even worse if you aren't careful with your attempt). Whatever you do, I hope you are able to find peace.

Thanks. I know my post probably sounds erratic and unpredictable to some...but truthfully, I've sort of done things impulsively my whole life...and this is one time where my impulsivity is failing me. I know it's the right decision, but overcoming the survival instinct is just not as easy as I thought it would be. Even though I am 100% sure it's what I want. I'm not crying or not bathing or brushing my teeth....nothing like that. I just have decided that I want to end it. Now...I just need to do it. But every time I get close...the finality of it hits...and I back up. Professionals would say it's because I obviously don't want to die; but I had the same type of fear when I couldn't go into haunted house until I was an adult. I did want to go into haunted houses...but my fear was greater than my desire. That's all.