This is going to be difficult to get out, since I'm so scared to post anywhere... crippling anxiety sucks. I'm a chronic lurker and have been for years on various forums and social media platforms, but here goes!
I'm in a torturous place in-between a burning desire to connect in a meaningful way with others and a deep, visceral fear of getting too close and feeling too much for others.
It seems like a hellish lose-lose mentality to have.
On the one hand, there's a deep biological desire to connect to others since we are social creatures, and that's hard-wired into our genes. In a tribal setting, being alone would have literally caused death since we are so dependent on other humans, hence why it feels genuinely painful to be alone. We need to be seen and heard to know that we exist and that we matter. We crave understanding and empathy from others. I think in a way loneliness is a fate worse than death.
On the other, I am truly fearful of being too close and feeling too much, since I know there's no guarantee that the feelings are reciprocated, and I'm someone who gets so attached. The rejection and sense of abandonment that can (and often does) result from that mismatch is heartbreaking and, just like loneliness, truly hurtful. I do love to be close to others and in those moments I truly feel genuine happiness, but the closer you get and the more you feel for them, the stronger the pain is of them leaving and forgetting you like you never really mattered to them at all.
I keep flip-flopping between the desperation for connection and the desire to be alone, it seems to be a behavioural pattern that's been going on for years now. Sometimes I feel socially confident, I go out into the wide world, put myself out there to meet others, make some friends, feel connected and then just... dissociation and disconnection hits. My friends stop messaging or reaching out for long periods of time, all the while seeing other people, I fear that the people I know don't truly care about me, I withdraw from the social world, leave social media platforms and disappear altogether, and then it's like I don't exist. Nobody reaches out. It validates my belief that people don't care about me when they don't realise or care that I'm gone, and then I'm left wondering what all the times we spent together, all the time we spent real talking, laughing, playing and experiencing the world together, were all for. It's like I've put so much affection and dedication into a sinkhole. It's just gone, and it meant nothing.
It doesn't seem like I'm ever missed when I'm out of others lives. I doubt I've ever been anyone's 'first pick'. I don't think anyone has ever felt as much for me as I have for others, and that hurts. It makes me think I'm broken just for feeling too strongly, being too 'clingy', or that I'm naïve for thinking that friendship is anything more that a quick, fun fling on the side.
And then I end up wondering if anyone would notice or care if I was gone for good. Would anyone have anything to say about me? Would I just be that person they 'kind of' remembered seeing at some point if they tried hard enough? Would they say 'Oh well' and just move on? Of course I'd never know. If I were dead, I'd never be able to see if I would be missed. So it's all just theoretical and I'm left wondering with no conclusive answer.
TL;DR: I value and desire close friends, but because of how strongly I feel for people I can't get close because it hurts like hell when they abandon me like I was nothing to them. So I feel both crippling loneliness and a desperation to be close to others, neither or which I can remedy.
I'm in a torturous place in-between a burning desire to connect in a meaningful way with others and a deep, visceral fear of getting too close and feeling too much for others.
It seems like a hellish lose-lose mentality to have.
On the one hand, there's a deep biological desire to connect to others since we are social creatures, and that's hard-wired into our genes. In a tribal setting, being alone would have literally caused death since we are so dependent on other humans, hence why it feels genuinely painful to be alone. We need to be seen and heard to know that we exist and that we matter. We crave understanding and empathy from others. I think in a way loneliness is a fate worse than death.
On the other, I am truly fearful of being too close and feeling too much, since I know there's no guarantee that the feelings are reciprocated, and I'm someone who gets so attached. The rejection and sense of abandonment that can (and often does) result from that mismatch is heartbreaking and, just like loneliness, truly hurtful. I do love to be close to others and in those moments I truly feel genuine happiness, but the closer you get and the more you feel for them, the stronger the pain is of them leaving and forgetting you like you never really mattered to them at all.
I keep flip-flopping between the desperation for connection and the desire to be alone, it seems to be a behavioural pattern that's been going on for years now. Sometimes I feel socially confident, I go out into the wide world, put myself out there to meet others, make some friends, feel connected and then just... dissociation and disconnection hits. My friends stop messaging or reaching out for long periods of time, all the while seeing other people, I fear that the people I know don't truly care about me, I withdraw from the social world, leave social media platforms and disappear altogether, and then it's like I don't exist. Nobody reaches out. It validates my belief that people don't care about me when they don't realise or care that I'm gone, and then I'm left wondering what all the times we spent together, all the time we spent real talking, laughing, playing and experiencing the world together, were all for. It's like I've put so much affection and dedication into a sinkhole. It's just gone, and it meant nothing.
It doesn't seem like I'm ever missed when I'm out of others lives. I doubt I've ever been anyone's 'first pick'. I don't think anyone has ever felt as much for me as I have for others, and that hurts. It makes me think I'm broken just for feeling too strongly, being too 'clingy', or that I'm naïve for thinking that friendship is anything more that a quick, fun fling on the side.
And then I end up wondering if anyone would notice or care if I was gone for good. Would anyone have anything to say about me? Would I just be that person they 'kind of' remembered seeing at some point if they tried hard enough? Would they say 'Oh well' and just move on? Of course I'd never know. If I were dead, I'd never be able to see if I would be missed. So it's all just theoretical and I'm left wondering with no conclusive answer.
TL;DR: I value and desire close friends, but because of how strongly I feel for people I can't get close because it hurts like hell when they abandon me like I was nothing to them. So I feel both crippling loneliness and a desperation to be close to others, neither or which I can remedy.
