Tall tales

[shipwreck]

I'm seven feet tall and made mostly of wood. Adults usually flee at my approach, but children think I'm some kind of anime character and follow me around. My diet consists mainly of raw eggs, which I eat shell and all, and peanut butter which I lick from the jar with my long prehensile tongue. My wooden digits aren't much good for typing so I dictate to Steve, my sentient chihuahua, who taps away at a tiny little keyboard made just for his cute little paws.

The other day I was stumping around and my foot got stuck in a gopher hole. While I pondered my predicament a gang of beavers approached with nefarious intent, hungrily eying my lower appendages. I summoned my strength and leapt straight into the air, catching hold of a rope dangling from a hot air balloon which, to my ineffable joy, happened to be drifting by at that very moment. I clung to the rope until my strength fled, letting go of the rope and landing in a splintered heap. Limping my way home, I soon mended myself with the help of a tube of glue and some sandpaper.

So that's my story. What's yours?

 

[pete_x]

...so the ritual was ruined when they dropped me on my head which is why i can't remember why i'm here.
the magus said "Shit. Mae !!! Get your goddamn nephew! Now we hav.. oh, that can't be g*"
My guardian and i talked about it at length some time later during a diaper change.

Anyway some years after that....

After learning how to split pieces of myself off, i took a bus trip cross-country to San Freak-cisco
While my seperated instances searched for lines and nexus, i admittedly jerked off in the back of the bus
and read comic books.
Let me tell you, there is something genuinely freaky about New Mexico, it made me uncomfortable.

On the way back i stayed at some shitty motel in m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p-i [nailed it]
i cast a spell to make myself look white to the cops.
it was the only way to safely walk down the road to get some smokes.

Upon my arrival in Pennsylvania, having completed the requirement of the circuit and closed it
i cast the rune and bada-bing bada-boom
some 20 years later my sinister creation of the alt-right haircut entered the world.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously, i have no idea how to get rid of it now, any ideas would be helpful.

HAIL Stan or santa or whatever.