drugfiend
drinking plastic jug vodka
- Mar 19, 2024
- 27
Hi everyone,
I finally made up my mind on a suicide method after testing (carbon monoxide) a few months ago and I'm ready to go. however, I'm still keeping up the illusion with my friends and family that I no longer have plans to end my life. the truth is, I have been planning my own suicide for years, and now that I know it's time, I feel like a liar.
I'm not someone who is good at lying by any means. but I really have to try to prevent any attempts at being stopped. I also hate lying but one thing jumped out at me when I was at a bar with my friends and family last night, we kept talking about future plans. not even big future plans, just things like "oh I'm so excited for our trip next month" and "would you like to see this movie next week?" kind of stuff. I'll say "yeah I'm very excited!" and "yes, I'd love to!" but in the back of my mind I just keep thinking "what a fucking liar" and it's really bothering me. and I know from reading MANY suicide bereavement threads over the years that I'll be blamed for so much shit that I promised to do that I never intend to do.
I'm finally at a point where I'm healthy enough and of sound mind to end my life. I don't know anyone in my life who truly believes I'm ready to die, but I am 100% ready. these last few interactions I've been having feel so goddamn empty. I want to say what I truly feel. I don't want to lie to those who have been nothing but kind to me for so many decades, some my whole life. I wish I could be honest, and I wish they could accept it. but they won't.
does anyone else feel this way? am I alone in this? I know deep down it's a shitty thing to do, not dying mind you, this is all my decision and always should have been from the start. but rather lying to those who you love and who love you. I'm just in so much pain and I don't know how else I would be able to be honest about this. so I lie. I lie and lie and lie again. I wasn't always like this, too! I used to be honest about my suicidal thoughts and feelings, but all that landed me was in the psych ward which made everything worse. it's only been these last few weeks as I've been finalizing preparations to end my life that I've become like this. and I wish it didn't have to be this way. I want to say goodbye properly. but I just cannot.
I finally made up my mind on a suicide method after testing (carbon monoxide) a few months ago and I'm ready to go. however, I'm still keeping up the illusion with my friends and family that I no longer have plans to end my life. the truth is, I have been planning my own suicide for years, and now that I know it's time, I feel like a liar.
I'm not someone who is good at lying by any means. but I really have to try to prevent any attempts at being stopped. I also hate lying but one thing jumped out at me when I was at a bar with my friends and family last night, we kept talking about future plans. not even big future plans, just things like "oh I'm so excited for our trip next month" and "would you like to see this movie next week?" kind of stuff. I'll say "yeah I'm very excited!" and "yes, I'd love to!" but in the back of my mind I just keep thinking "what a fucking liar" and it's really bothering me. and I know from reading MANY suicide bereavement threads over the years that I'll be blamed for so much shit that I promised to do that I never intend to do.
I'm finally at a point where I'm healthy enough and of sound mind to end my life. I don't know anyone in my life who truly believes I'm ready to die, but I am 100% ready. these last few interactions I've been having feel so goddamn empty. I want to say what I truly feel. I don't want to lie to those who have been nothing but kind to me for so many decades, some my whole life. I wish I could be honest, and I wish they could accept it. but they won't.
does anyone else feel this way? am I alone in this? I know deep down it's a shitty thing to do, not dying mind you, this is all my decision and always should have been from the start. but rather lying to those who you love and who love you. I'm just in so much pain and I don't know how else I would be able to be honest about this. so I lie. I lie and lie and lie again. I wasn't always like this, too! I used to be honest about my suicidal thoughts and feelings, but all that landed me was in the psych ward which made everything worse. it's only been these last few weeks as I've been finalizing preparations to end my life that I've become like this. and I wish it didn't have to be this way. I want to say goodbye properly. but I just cannot.
