Supposed to suicide?

[ravendrops]

Does anyone else feel like they're "supposed to" CTB? In some kind of cosmic providential way? I feel like maybe — really maybe — god wants me dead. Like that's the way the story is "supposed" to go.

Anyone else ever seriously wrestled with this?

Right now I'm staying in a homeless shelter but I don't have motivation to keep living. I feel like if I could somehow pull my shit together and start earning an income, I would buy a firearm (9mm, hollow point) with the first $300 I got. It feels pretty hopeless.

 

[almaPerdida]

Yes for sure. I felt really lucky in my teens and early adult life, things always felt into place for me. Kinda made me believe in some sort of luck, maybe i was supposed to get a good life.

Then things turned to shit and made me want to ctb, and made me feel like my life purpose is to actually die and made people value their lives more? I don't think this is gonna make much sense, but maybe seeing my "wasted potential" would make people around me to enjoy their lives more when i leave this Earth. My belief of cosmic luck turned into something else entirely.

My feeling of belonging is long gone and i'm convinced i was just wrong of having a place in this Universe, the absurd turn of events and coincidences around me changed the way i think.

I hope things turn out better for both of us tho. Hopefully we are wrong and this suffering will make sense in the long run.

 

[SilentVelvet]

Omg, yes. I even wrote on my Christmas wish list as a kid that I wanted to die. Somehow that thought has always been there, and sometimes it feels like this is inevitably going to be how I die. I just don't know when. Like, if I had been some animal in the wild, I probably wouldn't have survived either, so part of me wonders why being human should somehow make it different

 

[FF777]

i don't mean to hijack this thread, but i came very close to being homeless last month.. how sucky is being in a homeless shelter, and do you sleep there or what? is it like a room with tons of beds people sleep on? i imagine it being a super sucky experience.. like what do you do all day or where do you go during the day?.. and do you end up making friends that you talk to a lot in places like that or what?..

 

[ravendrops]

I'm sorry you were almost homeless. It's really stressful to be on that precipice. I hope things have gotten better for you.

 

[hiddenbpd]

100% feeling the same way today, and many times before. The thoughts I should be dead are so consistent that it kinda feels like something (whether fate or some other higher power) is telling me to ctb. I can't keep carrying on pretending like it isn't the outcome I'll face.