Sunday. I'm doing alright but I'm a bit depressed. How are you?

[𝑹𝒂𝒘 𝑷𝒓𝒆𝒎𝒂𝒅𝒆 𝑷𝒊𝒛𝒛𝒂]

Hi. How was your week? I hope you did something fun, or eat something tasty


I've had a super productive week, more than anytime before, and I can't believe how much I'm getting done. This hasn't happened since years ago.

And still...I don't feel proud? I don't know what feeling proud of myself means... How to do it...
I feel like this is how I have to live, how it always should have been, and my fucking brain is firing me with question right now: what if I did this earlier? What if nothing I went through happened and I never got depressed? What if something happens and nothing I do even matters anymore? What if I didn't have all the health complications I have from having been depressed for years? I feel broken.
What if I had pushed myself harder before, before all this even happened?

And I think
Does it even matter what I do? If I do it? Am I doomed to be like this forever?
Does it make a difference?
Am I really enjoying living?

While I'm pushing myself harder than ever, my sleep is so shit right now, because I'm getting kept awake for HOURS trying to sleep but thinking about all this, trying to make sense of everything, getting scared of all this going wrong, thinking about the past: the past hurts me so much, it makes me cry, so I can't sleep.

I wish all this shit never happened. I wish somebody helped me when I asked them and treated me seriously so I didn't have to go through this horrible mess. I wish I hadn't been so scared and sad and hopeless so I would have done things for myself. But sometimes I think this couldn't have gone differently, due to a lot of circumstances, and maybe I can derive some positive meaning behind all this nightmare...just me trying to find a reason for what I went through...

Anyway. I will keep going, I'm depressed right now but I have a little hope inside of me and I'm getting the hang of doing more things, I'll take care of myself.

Thank you for your support, always, it means a lot to me.

 

[MidnightCat]

You're starting a path that's not easy, but can dramatically improve your life. Well done! It'll not always be up, it'll have downs too, but as long as you try you'll make it in the end.

Try to not think a lot about the "what if..", What's done is done, past is past and can't be changed, so don't bother with it.

Keep it up! And best of luck with your endeavour!

 

[Jadeith]

And still...I don't feel proud? I don't know what feeling proud of myself means... How to do it...

Then i'll do it for you then.... I'm proud of you. You did great. If anything else, you did more than i did last week.
Did it matter? Yes, it did and no, it did not. Shitty answer, i know, so let me explain. If you take grand enough scheme of things, none of the things we do matter. But more "locally"? They do. At least as a proof of you r victory against the depression. Maybe just a small battle bu you won it.

 

[onthefence]

You are doing a great job! I really like that you have found some hope and are planning to take care of yourself.
I had an okay week. Actually did get to go out to eat at a restaurant which was a real treat.
Today I'm struggling- met with my therapist and yet again they asked if I wanted to go to the hospital. I'm just really exhausted. Proud I managed to stop the verbal diarrhea before admitting I have a sort of plan. I'm not planning to CTB anytime soon though.

 

[lost_one]

Well it's a good thing you are putting the offert and being productive, but don't over do it, it's all about balance, don't worry about being insanely productive all the time. About feeling proud of yourself, you can't really force yourself to feel things, but you can try to re-frase your thoughts about it. I know it's hard but try not to worry to much with what if's...

To me it looks like you are doing a great job, slepping is hard, I usually listen to ASMR or something else that distracts my mind, but doesn't necessarily stimulate it to keep going.

its is important to ask yourself if you are enjoying things and really think about it, is there anything you could do to enjoy it more?

There are going to be good and bad day unfortuantely, but keep going.

As for me I was productive for two days and uselesss for two days, I am not exacly proud of doing nothing, somethimes I wish I had the energy to keep going more, but it is not the end of the world.

good luck