suicide ranting

[link182]

I view my life with disarray and Disdain, if I had to pick one word to describe my feelings of my existence I would choose the word hate. I have nothing in my life that i deem living for. The closest I come is living for duty (family) but I wouldn't choose them in the end. May sound harsh but I need to choose life for me not for other people. I have attempted suicide 3 times didn't put family in the thought process nor would I in a future attempt. My life is wrapped up in confusion, bland human interactions and difficulties that make no sense. To compare me to the average person is redundant. I'm nothing like anyone I believe im indeed a schizoid or have some other extreme personality disorder. Its kinda like while most people run on windows I run on Linux. My core personality drive or brain is opposite of most people. Being compared to the average person is almost an insult or a joke in my eyes. I can't work, hold attention, drive understand relationships or other people. I rely on Uber and i find it stressful. I live in a small reality bubble of indifference. It leads me to sites like this because I don't see suicide as a dirty word. I see it as a new beginning. Not to say i would right now attempt it. However it's something that lurks in the back of my mind.

 

[witchcraft]

All I can say is: very relatable. The operating system metaphor is so good. From an early age it's like I was able to step outside the Matrix, and so from an early age I've had a bad time. Once you wake up, it's really tough to go back to sleep, to re-enter everyone else's shared illusion.

 

[FF777]

it almost sounds like you need to find some projects to be able to work on to give your self some type of meaning or goal.. like what are you even doing every day?.. do you have a job or any thing?.. have you thought about becoming a game streamer or any thing?.. i'm just sort of guessing here really because i have no idea what your life is actually like or what you do or what solutions you would need to help try to improve things..