Venting suicide ramblings

[iwanttodie000]

I wake up thinking about suicide. I sit here all day thinking about suicide. I go to bed thinking about suicide. I even dream about it sometimes. The second I wake up, I can't fall back asleep because instantly thoughts pop into my head .... where are you going to do it? How will you get the gun? What will your suicide note be like? I lost my job last year due to Covid, so I've had plenty of time to sit around and think about it all day everyday. With my depression and anxiety at such a stronghold, I don't even want to try and go back to work. I feel so worthless for so many reasons, because I am, no matter what anyone says different. I want to start writing my suicide note, but not sure where to start as it's going to be a long one. I want to spell out to individual people why and in different ways. I want people to know this was my choice and what I wanted. I want to get a gun, I know there is a lot of red tape, never owned one or handled one before, and not sure the questions to ask the store so I don't tip them off that I am going to ctb with it. My mind never rests, the thoughts of suicide have now taken such a strong hold that there is no way out - and I don't want a way out. It may take a bit to get these questions answered and get things in order, but I will and I will finally end my suffering and my pain. I don't want to turn another year older, I just want to die and finally be at peace. Now I just gotta make it happen.