Suicide method: recovery

[noname223]

Soon I am going to university again as part of a possible recovery. It could give my life purpose and new hope. On the other hand the last time when I went to university I became manic. This caused a psychosis and after that I became highly suicidal.
Due to lack of other alternatives I will choose this path. I think it is more likely that it kills me rather than I will longterm recover.
One psychologist thinks my manic state is the only way I can work. And when I am suicidal again they just have to lock me up. (that would be the solution). I am not accepting this "plan".

However there is still this chance I won't become manic when I go to university again. Many professionals told me that I have to try it. I think they really don't see how serious I am about killing myself.

I have the feeling this might put me in a way more fucked up condition than the current state. I already hate the current state. Yeah but I tried everything else I wanted to try. This is the last glimmer of hope. When it vanishes and on top of that I have a new psychosis I might be ready to ctb.

Everything is so insane. I was never asked to be in such a position. The decisions I have to make are horrendous.

 

[qwertylmno]

what caused the mania at college?

 

[noname223]

what caused the mania at college?

That's not 100% sure and this is the reason why I have to try it. Most likely I cannot cope with this kind of performance stress due to childhood violence. On the other hand I also took a very high doses of an antidepressant which can cause mania. Maybe it was both.

 

[qwertylmno]

That's not 100% sure and this is the reason why I have to try it. Most likely I cannot cope with this kind of performance stress due to childhood violence. On the other hand I also took a very high doses of an antidepressant which can cause mania. Maybe it was both.

i absolutely understand the school stress, and also the antidepressant mania. maybe try school and an anti-anxiety med? that's what's keeping me afloat atm. idk your childhood violence situation though, but i hope this helps in any way.

 

[noname223]

I try anti-mania medication. Without any stress they work very good. However with stress they are not really reliable I think.
My plan is: I try to go to university and I stop it when my mania becomes too strong. Not sure if I really gonna quit college because mania feels damn awesome and I cling to my last hope.
It will be kind of dangerous. My life is so crazy.

 

[qwertylmno]

the mania indeed feels awesome. like i feel nothing at all except sad and stuck and the mania made me so productive in so many ways. i hope you figure out what works for you

 

[FuneralCry]

This life can be exhausting, when we feel like things could get worse and it sounds really hard what you have had to experience. I hope things work out for you.

 

[Marktheghost]

Going to university caused me to end up homeless, so it might be a good suicide method.