Venting suicide again

[Life_and_Death]

again ive been thinking about suicide. i always think about it in one way or another. good days dont mean much. right around my appointment though, while i was still thinking of suicide it was more of a future thing. but the last few days.....i wanna do i right now. no one knows though. its been know i havent been doing the best but as far as how bad, i think they think im still "mostly fine".

the exact cause, im not sure. i mean this relationship stuff isnt helping, last night i went to sleep crying. im sure missing my meds the past 2 times (last night and this morning) isnt helping but i fell back down just before that, so as of now the lack of meds isnt to blame. if im honest, today i started thinking about stopping them. the pharmacist said that it should take about 3 days for it to get out of my system. that would mean in 3 days the voices would come back and god knows how bad. this coming from the same one that was questioning taking the rispridone because it made me more suicidal. i didnt take it.....and i still want those pills (antidepressants mostly i believe) to be numb....all this emotional bullshit is tiring and it hurts. its of no help that certain people just dont get it.

anyway ive got to be getting to bed. while i want to im still not out of my "unsafe" time to commit. my youngest brothers birthday is in a few days....just have to wait for that to pass and then we'll see. but probably not. i know things too well, but who knows maybe ill crash so far one of these times that nothing will stop me.

 

[WornOutLife]

Me too.
No matter how much things get better, suicida is just part of me and it seems it will always be.

Hope you can feel better soon.

Hugs,

Matt

 

[Life_and_Death]

im sure missing my meds the past 2 times (last night and this morning) isnt helping but i fell back down just before that, so as of now the lack of meds isnt to blame. if im honest, today i started thinking about stopping them. the pharmacist said that it should take about 3 days for it to get out of my system. that would mean in 3 days the voices would come back and god knows how bad.

i still havent taken my meds....."yes hubby i just happen to be taking them when youre out of the room". i mostly came back here to do math. i lost track of how long i havent taken them. sunday when i wrote this would have been half the time and its now tuesday morning, that should mean im at the 3 day mark. cant math right now, thats just a good guess hehe .
this waking up 9-11pm is getting exhausting. oh and my husband when i woke up "im still tired" at least youve been sleeping through the damn night, cuz i havent in a while.