Suicidal even during times I'm genuinely happy

[Forgetting5]

Its weird and makes me feel crazy. I can be happy and on top of the world but at the same time thinking of hopping off the bridge I'm walking by. It seems I've become so fixated on death that I don't see it as a morbid or bad thing.

 

[jimmy7754]

I gotta go man

I feel like god is some sort of sadistic masochistic clown.

 

[nopride86]

For me personally, the desire to ctb doesn't come from an emotional place. It's more of a gut instinct, like I just shouldn't be here.

So I can feel moments of happy sad angry inspired etc but the desire to drop dead comes from another place. It's not even a desire, which is emotion-based. It's more like on a cellular level it is wrong to exist, but the SI keeps me physically tethered here.

 

[befree]

It´s the power of your subconscious mind.

 

[hopelessdreams]

i totally relate. even when i'm out and about with friends i still think about suicide. i was watching a movie today with a friend of mine, and in the midst of it, while i was really focused on the film, i suddenly thought "i really want to kms". seems nothing is working and i should just really go

 

[FuneralCry]

I think that maybe once someone gets so used to the thoughts of suicide, it is impossible to find relief from them, the suicidal thoughts are a part of them. I do not know what happiness would be like personally, it does not even exist to me. I do not see death as being morbid as well, it could never possibly be. After all dying is inevitable for us all, all that life is, is just waiting around to die anyway. To me, existence is so pointless.

 

[Henrietta789]

Yes, I feel this too...even when things are all going well around me I still feel an underlying emptiness/tiredness of life. Like, when things are good I may not feel an active, urgent desire to CTB, but if someone walked up and offered me a bottle of N I'd still take it without a second thought.

For me, my BPD has a lot to do with it I think...I've gotten very good at pretending to be "normal" in front of the world, but going through life like that, constantly having to act like someone you're not, makes existing seem so exhausting and pointless, even when I'm doing supposedly "happy" things. I feel like an actress in a really long, dragging play that never ends.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I often feel this way, sometimes it feels like the happiness is undeserved and thus more reason for me to die. Sometimes when I'm genuinely happy, the thought that it is guaranteed not to last also fills me with despair. And sometimes it just feels too fake.

 

[mundanejane]

I feel this way too, it's almost like my default feeling now. It's like a fact, "I wasn't supposed to be here." So even if I'm happy or in a good mood, the fact remains the same.