GrizzlyGrapefruit
Student
- Jun 17, 2019
- 123
To make a long story short, I was planning to ctb February of this year with SN, but when it actually came to drink it, I had some doubts. I had made a thread at the time, and commented about my doubt literally seconds before I was supposed to drink the SN, but I took the advice of the wonderful members here and decided that it wasn't my time yet. Afterwards, I took a break from SS and tried to figure out why I felt doubt (which I was able to distinguish from the survival instinct).
In my case, the doubted I felt stemmed from the fact that I didn't feel like I had searched all avenues in trying to resolve my physical health problems (the reason behind my suicidality). So this past year I promised myself to go to the necessary doctors and what have you in order to determine if I'm a lost cause or not. With that being said, the "determining" appointment is coming up in about a month, but I'm struggling more now than I ever had before. CTBing is more tempting than ever, and this leads me to why I'm posting here now: I don't know if I should just ctb before my appointment, or suffer through this next month getting to that one appointment.
I know no one besides myself can make that decision, but I'm really interested in hearing the opinions and stories of others. I'm really not sure if I "owe it to myself" to see if things really can get better despite all odds being stacked against me. Right now, I really feel like I could just be saving myself a month's worth of absolute hell, but I feel talking it out a bit would be a good first step before jumping to any conclusions.
Also, it felt nice being able to put the situation I've been struggling with lately into words!
In my case, the doubted I felt stemmed from the fact that I didn't feel like I had searched all avenues in trying to resolve my physical health problems (the reason behind my suicidality). So this past year I promised myself to go to the necessary doctors and what have you in order to determine if I'm a lost cause or not. With that being said, the "determining" appointment is coming up in about a month, but I'm struggling more now than I ever had before. CTBing is more tempting than ever, and this leads me to why I'm posting here now: I don't know if I should just ctb before my appointment, or suffer through this next month getting to that one appointment.
I know no one besides myself can make that decision, but I'm really interested in hearing the opinions and stories of others. I'm really not sure if I "owe it to myself" to see if things really can get better despite all odds being stacked against me. Right now, I really feel like I could just be saving myself a month's worth of absolute hell, but I feel talking it out a bit would be a good first step before jumping to any conclusions.
Also, it felt nice being able to put the situation I've been struggling with lately into words!
