Stuck in semi-recovered limbo?

[Loaf of bread]

Before pursuing recovery I was actively suicidal. Now I am passively suicidal.

Im in a situation where Im too recovered and have too much SI to ever CTB. But Im also too unhappy and not recovered much so life is bad and unpleasant.

Anyone else recovered themself into this state of purgatory? Feels weird.

I have NO idea what the future holds, whether I will ctb or live well or be stuck in the status kuo

Any relates?

 

[tiredandlost]

I feel you
It's like I am a child all over again trying to learn everything all alone :(

 

[springleaf]

yeah i feel the same. not wanting to actively kill myself most days is nice, but i have very little motivation to actually progress in life and just continue living. also i have not regained any of the skills and habits i've lost, so i still struggle with basic stuff like brushing my teeth at least ONCE a day, or sitting down and studying for more than 5 minutes. also, antidepressants are tricky. like, it is one thing that i have to take medication everyday to literally not kill myself, but the fact that in doing so, it negatively impacts my ability to focus and makes me exhausted all the time, thus making me unable to do stuff i want and need to, THUS making me feel depressed, is rather unpleasant : /

 

[-Link-]

I've been in this "purgatory" for some time now... It's a very difficult spot to be, and I feel like my brain function has dropped to a point where my only hope would be something along the lines of rTMS or deep brain stimulation or ketamine, probably in combination with a long-term benzo, intensive outpatient treatment, and peer support.

Otherwise, I'm just surviving in the day-to-day, on a path that only ends one way.

 

[Hollowman]

Yeah I can relate and it sucks, I wish my attempt would've worked 15 years ago.

 

[Unrequitedlife]

I have only ever been passive, it's exhausting though. Sometimes my ideation manifests as an urge, like an itch I need to scratch and forcing myself not to is tough

 

[miminkpo]

I am like this, too. I am much more actively suicidal than you, though. I have the means, just waiting for the right moment to do it. However I haven't given up completely on life. I did before, and have attempted a couple of times. SI does get in the way, though. I wish that last time would have been, well, the LAST time. I cannot function in my day to day life. I don't even take care of myself and have lots of trouble taking care of my cats. I feel like a very shitty person. I manage though. I feel little to no emotion most of the time, since I am completely isolated. I don't have any friends, but relationships make me so unstable that most of the time I think that's for the better. I do get lonely though. I feel bad for the people that talk to me and show some interest in meeting me, because I just can't show myself like this. I don't want to say something cliché like ''I don't want pity''. I'd prefer to be pitied than to be critisized, or seen as a failure. Sometimes I think pity is the most people can give me, since I don't expect to be understood or appreciated. But I feel bad, since I can't leave this state fast enough for people to not give up on me, and that does hurt a lot.

 

[harlow-paige]

yeah i really get that feeling. honestly i just feel so trapped between both worlds, scared to commit to either path, either trying to actually get better and make an effort, or well the other direction. it feels like i'm just drifting aimlessly until i happen to die. i guess the way i usually describe it is that i'm surviving and not actually living.

in terms of recovering, id like to think i've become a better person over the past few years, but that still hasn't made life any less awful feeling

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

I feel this. I'm stuck in burnout from abuse and getting laid off so from the outside I look competent as I'm looking for work, but still dream that CTB is my answer. I feel tortured inside.