Venting Struggling and not having a way out

[OldDude]

Hey,
I've been stuck in this life for years. Some periods are easier, others unbearable. I've lived with deep self-hatred since childhood and now I'm approaching 50. I mostly see myself as the worst kind of person: ugly, overweight, and stupid.
The song Hi Ren mirrors my mental state so well. Except in my case, the story hasn't turned I'm still trapped in the fight, unable to move past the darkness.
At the start of this year, I cut ties with everyone outside of work. A few people still reach out, worried. In the coming weeks, I'll miss some festivals. I deeply regret letting down the friends who made plans with me, but I can't bring myself to reply. I wish they'd give up and forget I exist.
It feels like I'm disappearing slowly. Depression has destroyed any structure in my life I spend most days in bed, scrolling endlessly through TikTok. My health is failing, and part of me even welcomes it. I sometimes catch myself hoping for a heart attack.
And yes, this may sound like the self-pity of someone lost in his own sadness. I'm aware of that too

 

[Linda]

Hey,
I've been stuck in this life for years. Some periods are easier, others unbearable. I've lived with deep self-hatred since childhood and now I'm approaching 50. I mostly see myself as the worst kind of person: ugly, overweight, and stupid.
The song Hi Ren mirrors my mental state so well. Except in my case, the story hasn't turned I'm still trapped in the fight, unable to move past the darkness.
At the start of this year, I cut ties with everyone outside of work. A few people still reach out, worried. In the coming weeks, I'll miss some festivals. I deeply regret letting down the friends who made plans with me, but I can't bring myself to reply. I wish they'd give up and forget I exist.
It feels like I'm disappearing slowly. Depression has destroyed any structure in my life I spend most days in bed, scrolling endlessly through TikTok. My health is failing, and part of me even welcomes it. I sometimes catch myself hoping for a heart attack.
And yes, this may sound like the self-pity of someone lost in his own sadness. I'm aware of that too

How do other people see you?

 

[OldDude]

How do other people see you?

That's a good question. I've always had a hard time making friends, so I assume most people see me as at least a bit weird, some more, some less.
A few seem to get along with me, so I guess they're okay with my oddness. That's the logical side of me talking. The other side of my brain is making fun of me that I believe in this.

 

[Linda]

That's a good question. I've always had a hard time making friends, so I assume most people see me as at least a bit weird, some more, some less.
A few seem to get along with me, so I guess they're okay with my oddness. That's the logical side of me talking. The other side of my brain is making fun of me that I believe in this.

What was in my head when I asked that question is that, when it comes to making friends and interacting with people, how they see you is more relevant than how you see you. Your self hatred is not very relevant here. Perhaps you shouldn't let it influence you too much.

Of course, you would be better off if you had a higher opinion of yourself. If nothing else, it would make you feel better. Do you understand where those feelings are coming from? If you don't understand, have you tried consulting a professional therapist?

 

[R. A.]

welcome to the pity party, old dude. population: a hell of a lot of the members here. revel in it. your suffering is legitimate.
i see you bought your gear in the only other thread you started years ago - guess things in that time weren't so bad you had to use it. maybe that'll happen again. hope so

 

[darksouls]

I am so sorry you are suffering so much
sending you hugs and love

 

[enjoytheride]

I am sorry you are going through so much pain and lack of self-esteem. I hope you find the strength to start unraveling this yarn ball, starting with being compassionate to yourself and realizing that you have inherent worth as a human being, that is independent of circumstances or how others see you or treat you.

Best wishes!