struggles with people/human interaction

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i spent a big portion of my childhood being homeschooled and only interacting with freaks online, so i struggled with human interaction for a long time. it was really pathetic, i couldn't even speak for more than a minute or two, my throat would start to hurt and my mouth would get super dry because i would go so long without even speaking. there were so many aspects of interacting with others that i just didn't understand, so i humiliated myself a lot. i still humiliate myself sometimes, there's still a few things i struggle with.

i think i'm good when it comes to interacting with people now. i'm a bit awkward in some situations, but i handle it and most people just find me kinda silly for that stuff. it feels a little sad, i would watch the way people interact with each other, make mental notes, copy some aspects from each conversation. human interaction is such a natural thing, no one sits down to study it because it's something so natural that most people have been doing for their entire lives.

it's all just a formula that i have to follow now. gauge the other person/group of people's personality, figure out the vibe of the conversation, mimic their sense of humor, engage at specific points, mimic the body language/amount of eye contact that they're giving. at that point, it's just adding to whatever they're talking about. if i'm unsure/don't care about what they're talking about and they don't seem to be in a lore-dropping/yapping mood, i'll just relate it to something that i do know about for the sake of keeping the conversation going. i make a mental checklist in my head and follow it until the interaction ends. i know that most people do this to an extent, usually subconsciously. humans adapt, that's just how we are, but it's so bad. it's at the forefront of my mind during every interaction. i talk to people all the time at work (usually very casual, friendly conversations) and it all just feels like some fever dream because i just wasn't truly present for any of it.

it's really so draining, but it's working. again, i make mistakes, i can be a little awkward if i'm unsure about the situation or context, sometimes i make way too much eye contact, sometimes i miss some cues, but it works out and i adapt. i would just remain horrible and totally awkward, but i'm pretty extroverted and i love being around people and talking to them, even if it doesn't feel like i'm actually interacting.

i had some close friends for a while, and it was all really natural, but i think i made a lot of mistakes. of course, during the first few interactions, i followed my mental guide and did everything in a way that i thought was strategic; but i didn't feel the need to do it later on. i just stopped thinking about things that way because i felt a sense of safety. i actually felt like myself for a bit, but i think i regret it now as none of them are in my life anymore. i always put up a bit of a front because my personality is pretty repulsive, but everything felt fine most of the time. that was the last time interaction felt real to me.

i've had a few different people (online and irl, close friends and mere acquaintances) straight up tell me that they can't get a "read" on me and that they feel as if they don't know me. i never know how to respond to that stuff, i usually just apologize. i'm not really hiding anything about myself, anyway. if someone wants to know anything about me, they can ask and i will answer honestly. aside from a small selection of very personal things, i'm an open book. they just never ask, but even a friend who knew basically everything about me felt this way, so idk.

i feel so disconnected from everything and everyone.

btw, afaik, i don't have any personality disorders and i'm not neurodivergent. whenever i talk about this sorta thing, that's usually what gets brought up and i get labeled with a bunch of different things, but i've never been diagnosed with anything. but tbf i haven't spoken with a professional about any of thisbut i still don't think i have anything like that.

 

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adding to this. i was going to make a separate thread, but that seems pointless as i'd likely just be repeating myself. if i'm going to repeat myself, i'd rather keep it contained in one thread.

these interactions are just becoming more draining and i feel like shit. it's not even that i don't care about what the other person is saying, it's just that i feel so overwhelmed and the smallest things make me feel insane. agonizing over every interaction, trying to say the right things, constantly going through this stupid checklist in my head is too much. i can't do anything without exhausting myself, it's to a point where i plan each step i take (literally), each time i pull out my phone to act like i'm doing something, each time i take a sip of water, everything. i know that no one notices these trivial actions, but i can't help but think about everything. with all of these useless things on my mind, i feel so anxious when anyone approaches me to talk about anything because it disrupts this stupid routine i've created. my day is just a bunch of nonstop quick-time events and i feel sick whenever i don't do perfect on all of them.
before, i would stare at nothing until something happened or someone approached me (usually to ask if i was feeling okay because it's obviously strange for someone to blankly stare at a wall or the floor for 20 minutes without moving). it's so lame, i really can't do anything.
people often share personal things with me and idk why, i'm assuming they do it with everyone. it's not that i mind, those personal conversations just take more thinking that i can't really afford. the usual small-talk is easy, i give the same automated replied with the same smile that i spent forever trying to perfect, but even that becomes overwhelming.
when i'm not breaking down over all my other issues, i spend my free time going through each mistake i made in the day, each interaction where i didn't meet my standards, shit like that. if i don't make mistakes, i won't have anything to ponder on when the day ends, so all i can do is avoid mistakes.

each day is so scary now, i can't even prepare myself for this kind of exhaustion, i'm too busy trying to plan things out.
i can't even explain why i feel so anxious about these things, i know it's stupid. it's not even embarrassment that i'm worried about.

 

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i guess this is going to be a diary of some sort or a daily log of my social failures.
work was so bad today, probably my worst day yet because there was just so much happening. i didn't have a single moment to just stop. i went the whole day without checking my phone, i didn't even eat or drink any water because i literally just didn't have the time. the moment everything was over, i felt so sick lol it all hit me the moment i was no longer locked in.
i'm not really trying to vent about work. there was so much happening, i couldn't prepare for anything. i thought i came off as mean to a few people, so i apologized. they said i didn't come off as mean at all, one of them even said i was the nicest person they've met at our job. it made me feel better in the moment, but now i can't stop thinking about it. i still fucked up, no matter how i look at it. if they were just trying to make me feel better about being a dick, then i obviously feel bad for putting them in that position. if they were being honest and genuinely didn't think that i was being mean, then i look like a dumbass for even apologizing.
someone else kept talking to me about how she thought she was doing horrible and that she always feels this way. i obviously tried to comfort her, especially because i thought she was doing great. i kept reassuring her that she was doing well, and explained that i'm also very critical of myself/am constantly overthinking each mistake i made. we bonded over it, but i still don't think i did enough. i wish i said more, but i think i kept repeating the same things like a robot. i was so scatterbrained the entire day, i fumbled just about every interaction i had—even the extremely simple, meaningless ones.

 

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i'm finally off today, so i don't have to speak to anyone today. i can't relax at all, i'm still thinking about every stupid interaction that i failed yesterday. even when i don't work and don't have to plan out all of these stupid tasks, i'm still so stressed because i'm reflecting on my mistakes. reflection is the only way to improve, but idk what i'll do if i keep getting thrown these curveballs where i have no time to adapt. i talk like a malfunctioning robot sometimes, i hate it. people jumpscare me with their trauma dumps and i just repeat the same sentiments over and over. i want to help and provide advice, which i try to do occasionally, but it's difficult irl when i'm not prepared. it takes all my braincells and energy, and so much planning to make it through a 15 second "good morning, what's up" interaction, and i still fail those half the time.
what is wrong with me, this is so pathetic and ridiculous. i can't even figure out where this all comes from or how it got this severe. like a lot of people, i've always sorta planned my interactions. overthinking all your interactions/perceived mistakes is pretty common from what i've gathered, but it's been so horrible these last few months. maybe it's because, more than ever, i've been put in so many scenarios that were unfamiliar where i had almost no time to react? back then, each day was mostly the same, but i usually had time to adapt whenever something new came up.
spending so much time thinking about this kinda thing is so embarrassing, i can't even talk about it without feeling ashamed.