Nobody'sHero
Lost in the world
- Mar 24, 2025
- 238
Venting...
I've been depressed/bipolar since I was in high school, haven't had real guidance in my life and usually do not share my feelings with the people around me because I get a sense that they do not care and I don't want to be a burden to anyone. I have gone through long periods of depression where I feel absolutely empty inside and lost but I have somehow found a way to try and move forward. More recently, getting out of the depressed state has been a lot more difficult, finding some kind of meaning is almost impossible, the possibility of a future where I'm going to be alright is but a distant memory. It has recently hit my that I'm not going to be alright, that I will forever have to fight against my own mind. The thing is, I don't think I have the strength to do so anymore... In the past I feel as if I've had to build up will/energy to try and break out and make it, try to get into outer space if you will. When I'm just about to make it I hit a rubber like wall that just sends me back crashing to earth. The last crash was bad and I have had so many... My will to fight and cling to life is gone, I feel nothing, I am nothing, I don't want anything, I don't want to keep going, I don't want to feel this, I don't want to feel anything, I think I'm done and I'm not sure how to feel about it. I sometimes feel very sad and play memories from the past over and over again knowing damn well I can't do anything about it, I sometimes feel fine lying to myself: "I didn't want that anyway" "there's still hope" "you will be alright", I sometimes feel the void and me slowly detaching from absolutely everything, almost as if my subconscious knows something that the rest of me does not; that I have given up and I am just waiting for death...
I've been depressed/bipolar since I was in high school, haven't had real guidance in my life and usually do not share my feelings with the people around me because I get a sense that they do not care and I don't want to be a burden to anyone. I have gone through long periods of depression where I feel absolutely empty inside and lost but I have somehow found a way to try and move forward. More recently, getting out of the depressed state has been a lot more difficult, finding some kind of meaning is almost impossible, the possibility of a future where I'm going to be alright is but a distant memory. It has recently hit my that I'm not going to be alright, that I will forever have to fight against my own mind. The thing is, I don't think I have the strength to do so anymore... In the past I feel as if I've had to build up will/energy to try and break out and make it, try to get into outer space if you will. When I'm just about to make it I hit a rubber like wall that just sends me back crashing to earth. The last crash was bad and I have had so many... My will to fight and cling to life is gone, I feel nothing, I am nothing, I don't want anything, I don't want to keep going, I don't want to feel this, I don't want to feel anything, I think I'm done and I'm not sure how to feel about it. I sometimes feel very sad and play memories from the past over and over again knowing damn well I can't do anything about it, I sometimes feel fine lying to myself: "I didn't want that anyway" "there's still hope" "you will be alright", I sometimes feel the void and me slowly detaching from absolutely everything, almost as if my subconscious knows something that the rest of me does not; that I have given up and I am just waiting for death...
