Help Story/Vent + how can I use this to help myself?

[brokenbirdy]

I've been doing some ruminating and after recent events in my life came to this conclusion; I want to kill myself a whole lot less when there is an "antagonist" in my life.

Back closer to the beginning of the year, I partook in a lot of protests. If I wasn't in school, I was at a protest, or doing the basic things to take care of myself before going back out. Before that period I was in perhaps the worst spiral of my life. I was taking frequent post midnight walks in a big city. One time I found myself in front of train tracks and it was only because of a busker with a very curious instrument that I didn't do something bad. Pretty much as soon as the protests started and I participated, that feeling wasn't so overwhelming and powerful.

More recently, I was in a really bad depression spiral (again...). It wasn't quite as bad as the previous, but it was a lot sooner in the winter season so I was worried. But all the desire to kill myself was greatly reduced once admin/"public safety" got on my ass. My desire to kill myself mostly came as a solution to the admin problem mentioned, and the overwhelming nature of it was diminished.

I guess my question is this: can yall help me think of a way to use this to not want to die every year like clockwork?

 

[loneliness0]

While having "antagonist" in your life might be one of aspects.

I would consider if another part of it is being part of group and being more connected with other people when going to protests ect.

You could consider taking bigger role in such activities like organizing/managing to possibly feel more involved all year along if it something what keeps you feel more alive and less depressed.

 

[Blue Dream]

Think of why an antagonist or enforcer changes your feelings to this degree.
Are you lonely? Or do you feel better when someone is making the decisions for you?

 

[brokenbirdy]

Think of why an antagonist or enforcer changes your feelings to this degree.
Are you lonely? Or do you feel better when someone is making the decisions for you?

Its easier when other people make decisions for me, but I have veto power. I don't think that applies here, as no one is making decisions for me.

I think what @loneliness0 said makes some sense, in that being in a group was definitely helpful. Made me feel less lonely. But that doesn't apply to the second incident, where its not a group thing, it is them against me. I guess I'm worried that I can only escape the thoughts if someone is causing harm against me.