1000YellowDaffodils
the end is still nigh
- Mar 13, 2022
- 20
It's been six months since my last attempt. Still want to die. I had my SN taken, was forcibly hospitalized, got out, bought more SN and I still have it, just waiting to use it... I'm only still alive because of my partner. I love them but I didn't even want to start a relationship when we told each other our feelings, I just tripped into it. I don't want to lose them but I want to be alone so bad. I keep asking to breakup even though it is very obvious it's not from lack of love. They've been trying to get a job and move out of my family's house for months, but haven't made a lot of progress. We kinda agreed to breakup when they move out, but I don't know if they take it serious. They know I'll kill myself after they leave and it's stressing them out so much. I'm ruining them. I know I can't get better for them so I want to breakup so they can move on and be happy, but talking to them about it only upsets them, even if I try to say I won't kill myself right after we breakup, I'll give more time. I don't want them to be scared I just want to be alone again and I'm not good for them. I'm waiting for them to lock down a job and get a place with their friends, but that could take until next year. I want this all over with already. I knew I couldn't handle being in a relationship, I knew I didn't want to be in one, I knew I didn't want them living with me, and I can't do anything about it. I either kill myself and leave them alone with my family for the aftermath which everyone would hate, or I wait until they're out and settled with more distance between us and hope my eventual death won't bring their life to a grinding halt.
There is no good way to do this. I want to minimize the damage I cause in the world and all I do is make more. For years I keep everything in and everyone tells me to talk to them, I won't hurt or depress them, so I finally talk about how I feel and now everyone tells me how much I'm hurting and depressing them. Or not trying hard enough even when I've made it very clear I do not want to try harder anymore, I want to die but no one will let me. I can't be what they want, but I can't be what I am, and I can't kill myself. What am I supposed to do. I love my friends and family and all I do is hurt them, and the only way for me to stop it is to stop forever, but that would hurt them. I wish I was never born. They didn't want me anyways. I've always ruined the family. I don't want to be a bad person. I just want to go away. Everything is so hard for me and I'm only ever going to be a burden to others. There is no reason for me to be here. I want them to be happy.
There is no good way to do this. I want to minimize the damage I cause in the world and all I do is make more. For years I keep everything in and everyone tells me to talk to them, I won't hurt or depress them, so I finally talk about how I feel and now everyone tells me how much I'm hurting and depressing them. Or not trying hard enough even when I've made it very clear I do not want to try harder anymore, I want to die but no one will let me. I can't be what they want, but I can't be what I am, and I can't kill myself. What am I supposed to do. I love my friends and family and all I do is hurt them, and the only way for me to stop it is to stop forever, but that would hurt them. I wish I was never born. They didn't want me anyways. I've always ruined the family. I don't want to be a bad person. I just want to go away. Everything is so hard for me and I'm only ever going to be a burden to others. There is no reason for me to be here. I want them to be happy.
