Still haven’t built up the courage

[LosinIt20]

I'm still here of course...I couldn't go through with my plan..I feel like a coward. But I'm scared. Scared I ain't be with the one I love the most because I took my own life instead of waiting my time. But there's nothing here for me. I knew my parents hated me they always expressed it growing up and they abandoned me when I was a teenager. I've been raped stabbed beat violated in all types of ways and nobody has ever protected me, ever loved me the right way ever even had my baby and the only person who loved me got taken away forever. My mom told me how she tried to abort me and I survived and now she hates the ground I walk on so much she hasn't talked to me in almost 7 years. I'm 28 years old and I've been through enough I'm good here.. but I just can't build up the courage. I'm tired of people taking advantage of me, abusing me and hating me because I'm alive.
I've been trying to accept this loneliness for years but I haven't fully yet. I still cry for people who don't think twice of me, people who forget I'm alive. People I don't matter to. Literally I have no one. I've been violated by men so much in my life, I want to know what it feels like to have a mom, one that loves you, and a dad to protect me when I'm scared and alone and when the world is against me. I don't have that.
i want God to give me a big hug and tell me I'm safe, they can't hurt me anymore.. nobody can hurt me anymore...

 

[yetme]

you are not alone