Venting Still alive

[Average Joe]

It's been a while since I posted here after my previous attempt to ctb.
I'm just venting here because I have nobody else, you can delete if not allowed.

I feel really trapped between life & death. Not being able to die & not wanting to live so I'm just stuck in purgatory as I like to call it.
My mood and thoughts have not changed in the slightest, I feel that I've more reasons to ctb now.

I don't know why God is punishing me. Why do I deserve this torment?
I've been raped 40 times, bullied, ugly, struggled with sexuality & gender, diagnosed with BPD & Depression, no friends, stuck in a dead-end job with no qualifications. Multiple attempts to do something about this led to me being an inpatient. I've got no love life, my pet dog is missing & nobody will talk to me. The only escape I get now is from sleeping as I can't drink alcohol anymore.

I get a monthly check-in from my mental health worker although it's just prolonging the inevitable.

I can feel another suicide attempt coming up real soon.

 

[Snake of Eden]

Many of us are stuck here with no ability to act. I am sorry you are suffering. I wish you peace

 

[FuneralCry]

Of course you do not deserve this suffering. I do not believe there is a God. It is awful how we were forced to live without choice, I mean we were all perfectly fine not existing before we were born. It is horrible feeling like you are trapped. I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

 

[$nowLeopard]

Jordan Peterson vids sometimes helped me.

 

[シルエット]

Of course you do not deserve this suffering. I do not believe there is a God. It is awful how we were forced to live without choice, I mean we were all perfectly fine not existing before we were born. It is horrible feeling like you are trapped. I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

I don't believe that god is real either. Ever seen the boys? I found this quote to be perfectly encapsulating my feelings on god: "Yeah, he's got a hard on for mass murder, giving kids cancer, and his big old answer to the existential cluster fuck that is humanity is to nail his own bleeding son to a plank. That is a cunt move."

 

[czx85]

I found cutting my body with a razor helps. Been doing it for months.
Less harmful than depression, and also very effective

 

[Average Joe]

I'm always in awe of the support on this site. I'm so grateful for you all

 

[seaweaves]

Purgatory is a well populated place; you're not alone here in the inbetweens.