steps to recovery also feel like steps to ctb

[blue-moon-miki]

I feel like when I'm in the depths of my depression, I start fantasizing a lot about ctb, how I would do it, and the steps I would take to prepare. However, once the depressive episode starts to recede, and I'm in a space to recover, the steps taken to do so feel awfully similar to the ones I fantasized about taking to prepare for ctb.

For example, my room is a horrible mess right now. It's disgusting and I hate it. My room has always been a reflection of my mental state, and I know that when I have the motivation to clean it, I'll feel better. But one of the first steps to prepare for ctb in my head was to clean my room thoroughly and declutter everything, so that my loved ones wouldn't have to deal with it after I'm gone. It makes me feel scared that I'd just be cleaning my room because I secretly want to ctb. My messy room makes my mental health actively worse, but it also keeps me alive. I hesitate to clean because then I know I'll have "permission" from myself to ctb if I spiral again.

 

[Set Real Goul]

This is so relatable

 

[bagel12]

i completely get this, and i feel this way too

maybe you can clean up the things in your room that make you feel the worst, but keep some of the more inconvenient mess around? so you get some mental health benefits of a cleaner room, but also the security of a cluttered room preventing ctb?

if you're trying to recover it also helps to get rid of things you would/could use to ctb, it adds another barrier if that makes sense. in general i try to add barriers for myself to not ctb by making plans/commitments i must meet, getting rid of any ctb notes so that i'd have to rewrite them, and so on

it's a strange place to be for sure. feeling better enough to make some improvements, but still down enough to consider ctb. i really do understand

 

[blue-moon-miki]

i completely get this, and i feel this way too

maybe you can clean up the things in your room that make you feel the worst, but keep some of the more inconvenient mess around? so you get some mental health benefits of a cleaner room, but also the security of a cluttered room preventing ctb?

if you're trying to recover it also helps to get rid of things you would/could use to ctb, it adds another barrier if that makes sense. in general i try to add barriers for myself to not ctb by making plans/commitments i must meet, getting rid of any ctb notes so that i'd have to rewrite them, and so on

it's a strange place to be for sure. feeling better enough to make some improvements, but still down enough to consider ctb. i really do understand

Thank you so much, these are really great suggestions and I will try them. i think you're right, maybe just tidying up some clothes on the ground might make my room feel a bit bigger again.. i really appreciate it and it's really nice to talk to people who understand. sending love <3

 

[meowpuppy]

yeah, this is relatable.. the biggest goal i have is to hopefully be able to walk around more around the house without severe anxiety, but that just lets me look in more places for ctb methods..

 

[blue-moon-miki]

yeah, this is relatable.. the biggest goal i have is to hopefully be able to walk around more around the house without severe anxiety, but that just lets me look in more places for ctb methods..

i understand, you got this. like bagel12 said, maybe you can try throwing out items that would encourage different methods of ctb as you come across them. i know it takes a lot of mental strength to do that though. you can get there, i believe in you

 

[meowpuppy]

i understand, you got this. like bagel12 said, maybe you can try throwing out items that would encourage different methods of ctb as you come across them. i know it takes a lot of mental strength to do that though. you can get there, i believe in you

well, idk how i'd throw them out inconspicuously. just, throwing out an entire length of rope? maybe i could cut it and then say to mom that since its broken we should throw it out

but i think she'd just use the rope as two ropes from that point lol, also it'd be obvious it was a cut and not natural degradation of the rope

 

[blue-moon-miki]

well, idk how i'd throw them out inconspicuously. just, throwing out an entire length of rope? maybe i could cut it and then say to mom that since its broken we should throw it out

but i think she'd just use the rope as two ropes from that point lol, also it'd be obvious it was a cut and not natural degradation of the rope

ah i see, yeah that's tricky.. i'm sorry, i guess parents would make the process more difficult :(

 

[nayomi]

part of understanding myself is about getting understanding about suicidal moment and interacting with suicidal people here which means i know way more each day about how to do it but on the other hand i get closer to the reason why i dont do it