Spoke to the doctor, don’t feel any better.

[Givingupandgivingin]

Spoke to the GP who will prescribe antidepressants.
I have never taken them reliably before. Unfortunately they won't make me straight, I'll still be a gay woman in a straight marriage enduring straight sex with a man who I'm not attracted to.

Is it worth a go? In my head now I have a date in June and every time I feel like I can't breathe because I'm so distressed or anxious - which is multiple times a day - I remind myself I've only got to withstand it for another 15 or so weeks. And then I feel slightly better.

I have brief moments of 'happy.' Took my daughter to a concert last night and fleetingly thought I'm glad I'm here.
But the majority of the time all that is in my head is dying. It's loud and it won't go away.
I want to die. I know it's going to devastate my kids and I don't care. I just want to die. I don't want to see them grow up, have their own lives, careers, kids, whatever because the overwhelming feeling is that I need this to stop.
I know that makes me deeply selfish. I've withstood it for six years and I feel like I've just got more and more worn down and now there is no other way out. Everyone says wait until my kids are adults - another 10 years and I'll be 50 - and then leave their dad.
Ten years. 50. I cannot withstand another ten years.

so I can take the antidepressants but it won't make me different so I cannot see the point.

 

[lostovertime]

Spoke to the GP who will prescribe antidepressants.
I have never taken them reliably before. Unfortunately they won't make me straight, I'll still be a gay woman in a straight marriage enduring straight sex with a man who I'm not attracted to.

Is it worth a go? In my head now I have a date in June and every time I feel like I can't breathe because I'm so distressed or anxious - which is multiple times a day - I remind myself I've only got to withstand it for another 15 or so weeks. And then I feel slightly better.

I have brief moments of 'happy.' Took my daughter to a concert last night and fleetingly thought I'm glad I'm here.
But the majority of the time all that is in my head is dying. It's loud and it won't go away.
I want to die. I know it's going to devastate my kids and I don't care. I just want to die. I don't want to see them grow up, have their own lives, careers, kids, whatever because the overwhelming feeling is that I need this to stop.
I know that makes me deeply selfish. I've withstood it for six years and I feel like I've just got more and more worn down and now there is no other way out. Everyone says wait until my kids are adults - another 10 years and I'll be 50 - and then leave their dad.
Ten years. 50. I cannot withstand another ten years.

so I can take the antidepressants but it won't make me different so I cannot see the point.

Is divorce now not an option? I do not believe people with children should ctb. It will ruin them forever.

 

[deadbidaylight]

Is divorce now not an option? I do not believe people with children should ctb. It will ruin them forever.

It is up to OP what she wants in the end. Offering your opinion like that is counterproductive and not warranted. She shouldn't be made to feel guilty for feeling the way she does by a stranger online.

People come here for support. You don't have to agree with OP but keep your opinions and beliefs to yourself. Your comment is not helpful.

 

[ceilng_tile]

I have a friend who realized she was gay a few years into her marriage with two kids. She came out to her family and divorced her husband, even though the kids were still pretty young. Now she's dating women and is much happier.

It isn't fair to you or your husband to wait 10 years to end the marriage, especially if you're so unhappy that it's makingnyou want to ctb. I don't know what your husband is like, but kids are surprisingly adaptable when their parents come out.

 

[lostovertime]

It is up to OP what she wants in the end. Offering your opinion like that is counterproductive and not warranted. She shouldn't be made to feel guilty for feeling the way she does by a stranger online.

People come here for support. You don't have to agree with OP but keep your opinions and beliefs to yourself. Your comment is not helpful.

Oh no. I will state my opinions.
Thank you