Sometimes I wonder if I actually want to kill myself, or if I want an excuse.

[lilinde]

I've been failing at work lately. Failing at my personal relationships. Failing at everything, basically, and disappointing everyone. My house is a mess, my eating and sleeping habits are a mess, everything is going to shit. Do I know why? Yeah, it's because I'm lazy with terrible work ethic.

Every time someone rightfully criticizes me for my shitty behavior, I think, "well, I want to kill myself." My boss gave me a talking to the other day and all I was thinking was, "I know I'm failing but I'm going to kill myself, so it's not like this actually matters."

I've been wanting to kill myself for so long, but I've never done it. I'm not sure I ever will. At this point, I have no idea whether my suicidal tendencies are because I'm actually in pain, or because I want to reframe the consequences for my actions as acts of aggression towards me. After all, I want to kill myself, right? They're hurting me and I'm delicate, right?

I know I'm a shitty person. I should just do it and prove to myself that I can do at least one thing right.

 

[outrider567]

You definitely are not ready to CTB, your doubts are there---Unlike me, with no doubts, I look forward to my painless death from Nitrogen

 

[Lost in a Dream]

How long have you felt this way? It's been years for me, but that's because I keep putting it off and not doing it.

Everything in my life is a mess too, so I can relate, and I also am always thinking that nothing matters, since I'm just going to CTB anyway. Not sure if it helps or not, but you're not alone.

 

[lilinde]

You definitely are not ready to CTB, your doubts are there---Unlike me, with no doubts, I look forward to my painless death from Nitrogen

i wish I could feel such certainty. Gold luck on your journey.

 

[FuneralCry]

This life really is so depressing and I know that it is awful being trapped in such a miserable existence. I hope that you find relief from your suffering in whatever you do.

 

[JayJay]

I think you're okay. You're just at a low of your life. Try being autistic with a bunch of genetic deficiencies. I can't even eat wheat products because it contains foliate. My body can't process that because I have reduce folic acid metabolism. Some foods can literally create cyanide inside my body (which is normal) but my body can't metabolize it so it stays there and it slowly kills me. You're not ready my friend. But I am. So peace.

 

[unredeemable]

Yeah, it's because I'm lazy with terrible work ethic.

Nah, I doubt that. If you don't have the energy to do your work and all the other stuff of life, it's probably because you're using every last bit of your energy just staying alive. If your work ethic was truly terrible, you would have been fired long ago. Go easy on yourself.