Sometimes I think I am doing better, but...

[TylerDurdenGrace]

Please someone respond to this, I feel pathetic begging but I just need some sympathy about this, I'm feeling so horrible.

Sometimes I think I am doing better, but when I think about my life, my goals, about everything I am and all I do, I feel like I am failing at everything.

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I am fit, I have muscles and I'm at a healthy weight, but I feel like I'm failing at my fitness. Because I tell myself I will go to the gym and lift weights 4 times a week, but I only go 2 or 3 times. I tell myself I will go for a run twice a week, but I only end up running once every second week. I am failing.
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I am learning Spanish, and I have progressed from a year ago, but I feel like I'm failing at this. I am not consistent with my practice, and I seem to have a literal speech impediment that makes it extremely difficult to pronounce certain sounds in Spanish, like a stutter or something. And whenever I try to speak it, I get frustrated and hate myself and stop. I never speak for practice, I only read, listen and sometimes write. I have not made enough progress, I am failing.
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I have a girlfriend who I love and who loves me, long distance but she is coming to visit me soon from her country. But I have a problem, a problem I am so ashamed of I would rather die than admit it to her or to anyone. I have an issue with pornography, I have gotten down to using it maybe only once a week, but I know it would hurt my girlfriend so deeply. I want to finally stop and just never tell her (what she doesn't know can't hurt her...) but I can never seem to stop it totally. I am religious too and want to stop for this reason, but I am just not strong enough, I have been trying for 10 fucking years. I am so pathetic and loathsome.
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I am failing in my job. I make many mistakes. I am definitely the most punctual and dependable employee at my work in terms of attendance (have never missed a day) but I feel it's not enough to make up for my mistakes, even though my boss has never highlighted any serious issues. But I still feel like I'm failing.
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I am too tired to write more, but trust me, literally any possible facet of my life there is, I can tell you why I am failing in it. Everything. Social life, oral health, church attendance, discipline, mental health, creativity, musical skills, confidence, use of free time, sleep hygiene, appearance, fashion, I am failing at all of it. There is not a thing I feel is going well, or I am doing alright in. It's like I didn't realize this until today, I thought "well, I'm doing shit at this part of my life, but others are going well" but now I realized there is no part I can point to and honestly say I feel good about.

 

[Cloud Busting]

I'm really tired right now, but you do not sound pathetic. We all need somebody to lean on.

Join the The Darkly Divine Domain Discord Server!

Bodily Autonomy Absolutism | 15 members

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I'm going to bed but I created a peer support recovery server you're free to join if you need a place to vent tonight.

 

[SaikiKusuo]

Oh man I have been there too. I don't know if this would be helpful for you, but sometimes I imagine that if I managed to achieve absolute perfection, I would still feel inadequate. Imagining it that way helps me give myself some lenience.
From what you have shared here, I don't believe you are failing at anything. You are having difficulties, of course, but not failing.
Are you able to see a therapist? It seems there are a lot of people on sasu that say therapy doesn't help them, but my therapist has been incredibly helpful for me, especially with stuff like this.
In any case, I feel for you, and I believe in you.

 

[Cloud Busting]

Oh man I have been there too. I don't know if this would be helpful for you, but sometimes I imagine that if I managed to achieve absolute perfection, I would still feel inadequate. Imagining it that way helps me give myself some lenience.
From what you have shared here, I don't believe you are failing at anything. You are having difficulties, of course, but not failing.
Are you able to see a therapist? It seems there are a lot of people on sasu that say therapy doesn't help them, but my therapist has been incredibly helpful for me, especially with stuff like this.
In any case, I feel for you, and I believe in you.

How did you find your therapist? What is their style like? In what way are they helpful? How long did you have to wait to even get treatment? Have you had any awful worthless useless therapists that made you feel like therapy was a complete scam before hand?

Sorry to interrogate, very curious

 

[SaikiKusuo]

Sorry to interrogate, very curious

No problem, I am happy to share what I can. Apologies if my answers are too long.

How did you find your therapist?

I found my therapist by looking on PsychologyToday. I looked through the list of available therapists closest to me, and picked a few to contact that seemed like they would be good fits.
I highly recommend having a brief initial consult with someone before going for the first session. I once walked out of my first session with someone because it became obvious they wouldn't be helpful for me.
So, I had a few phone consults. I took notes on my thoughts of each person, then made a decision on who to schedule a session with.

What is their style like?

My therapist uses an eclectic approach, meaning that she draws theories and techniques from several different styles of treatment, depending on what seems like it would help me the best.
Notably in our first session, she let me know that she will tell me before doing any mandatory reporting stuff on me, so it would never be a surprise if she needed to do that.
Typically, I will tell her about something I am struggling with, for example, distress because I have thoughts about hurting myself despite not wanting to do that anymore. She will ask me some questions about it to get the picture, sometimes challenge my reasoning, then she will tell me about ways to handle it. For this example, she gave me a sheet about ways to calm strong emotions. Sometimes she tells me about ways to frame things, and other times I get basically homework packets to fill out.
I am not totally sure if this answers your question, but hopefully it does.

In what way are they helpful?

I'm not really sure how to explain this. In part, it helps just to have someone to talk to with very few worries. Talking to a friend could tax the relationship and they probably won't know what to say.
In part, it's like I have made a nearly unbreakable promise that I will try to get better. I've made promises to myself before, but those are easily broken. If I am going to stop going to therapy, I have to cancel my appointments and tell my partner, which is harder than just showing up even when I feel like garbage. I think this is a pretty big part of it, because my therapist hasn't yet told me anything I wasn't at least vaguly familiar with. Things I had dismissed before, but which actually turn out to be helpful now that I have promised to get better.
I have been seeing my therapist for about 3 months and have gotten a little better, but considering that I went 10+ years with no real help at all, it is going to take me a while to get better.

How long did you have to wait to even get treatment?

I am lucky here in that I basically didn't have to wait at all. My therapist had an open slot when I contacted her.
It seems relevant as well that I live in the US, and luckily my insurance covers my therapy in full.

Have you had any awful worthless useless therapists that made you feel like therapy was a complete scam before hand?

Absolutely. The first time I went to therapy was because I got briefly hospitalized for a suicide attempt (that didn't actually happen, but that's a whole story). I was 13 years old, already bitter about the whole thing, having to see a children's therapist. Then, she would just tell me about her own family and not even pay attention to the few things I managed to tell her.
Later, when I was 16, my partner encouraged me to go to therapy, so I went, and the guy was condescending, had nothing helpful to say, and went on about how he writes erotica.
So after those experiences, I wasn't really looking forward to any more of that, but as time went on I wasn't making much progress on my own. In March this year, I was on the brink of ctb, but something was stopping me. I decided to call it hope. I had a session with someone that just wasn't for me, and nearly called it quits again, but decided to look harder for someone better.


Maybe some of that was helpful? I have a pretty bad headache that otc medicine isn't touching so I'm a bit foggy, so sorry if I missed anything.
If you have any other questions, I'll answer to the best of my ability :)