Sometimes I feel like I haven't earned it

[jkfromfaraway]

I see a lot of threads about thinking they "deserve death" or "don't deserve life". But I've been thinking lately that I haven't really earned my exit yet. I still believe it's completely my decision to leave when I want. I know how it hurts loved ones, but I see it as an allowance of my one last selfish act. On the other hand, I see all these stories of people fighting beyond hope to hold on to life, or others that have completely devoted their lives to helping others, or protecting others. Whenever they go, they've earned it.

I haven't really done all that much with my life. Education, job, family, sure, but I've not really left any mark on this world whatsoever. There's got to be something that I could do to finally "earn" my exit. I'm just not sure what. Anyone else struggle with similar thoughts?

 

[waitingforrest]

I kind of feel the same way. I constantly alternate between ready to ctb or just trying to hang on a bit longer.

It's a cruel trick my mind plays, always dreaming of things that won't come true. Inagining myself, content with life, surrounded by loved ones, content with what I am. Saying to myself that it really will get better.

But I know that won't come true.

I think about what mark I will leave behind sometimes. But it's really hard to see myself as a valuable individual when I'm just another faceless person in a sea of billions.

Sometimes I wonder if ctb is better because I'm just using up resources that other people should have.

I hope the best for you, ctb and the guilt of hurting loved ones is never easy to deal with.

 

[FuneralCry]

I believe in the right to die, that we have no obligations to stay alive as we did not ask to exist. Nobody needs to justify their reasons for leaving. Suicide is a human right and it is a personal decision when to leave this world, it is up to you. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[jkfromfaraway]

But it's really hard to see myself as a valuable individual when I'm just another faceless person in a sea of billions.

I feel this so hard. I think everyone's actions can be dwindled down to trying to find value in their lives, with no hope to be better than the other billion.

Value in beauty; if enough people think I'm pretty, will my life finally have value?

Value in respect; if I publish this research paper, will my life finally have value?

Value in wealth; obviously the more money that I have means that my life has more value than those that don't right? Right? ...

Value in fame; my mark on the world will be ineffaceable by the impact that my work has, that obviously proves my life has value, right?

Value in love; I've finally gained my father's approval; I've tricked someone to fall in love with me; I have friends/fans/followers who adore me. Does my life have value now?

I think I've come to the opinion that the only value in your life comes from the virtue of charity. How many lives have you helped along the way? You could say not even that matters once the sun goes out in 5 billion years, but it's the closest thing to value that I can come up with.

I'm gonna try to volunteer with a High School Robotics team in March. Then maybe I'll have somewhat earned my exit.