Venting Someone save me please from this repetitive torture that I am trapped in.

[Namelesa]

Life just keeps going on and on with no end in sight or certainty it will get easier. While there can be some blips where I feel a bit better or even rare moments where I feel genuine happiness, how I feel overall is much more negative than positive and that is becoming more overwhelming as life continues. I am trapped so I lack options on what I can do. Nothing I do will fully fill the void and what I could maybe do such as meet someone else can't happen cus of my entrapment.

I don't know if I will ever escape my entrapment from my family as its really hard to not express my suicidalness. I mostly think about suicide everyday so how am I supposed to hide that for so long that they will trust me? Wouldn't they get suspicious of me if I didn't say about wanting to die for so long? I probably will slip up and express it when these feeling just get stronger. My therapist says what they are doing is allowed until I show no risk of harming myself so using stuff like police to help me out here won't work, especially as I have tried it once already. If I was to choose to try and get better, would I even get enough money for myself to live somewhere else if I was able to escape when I can't work at all cus of my autism and low mental pain tolerance and fear of disappoint others? Living somewhere is so expensive these days its frightening. I know I have my games that I am developing to sell but that isn't guaranteed to be successful and that will be still be in 2-4 years before this game is finished.

I can't do anything to escape this pain on my own. Someone please save me and kill me or at least take me and care for me please! Someone get me out of here! I feel like this is the only way out of my suffering. I can't die on my own cus of the lack of methods nor get better on my own.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

I relate to your words. I often wish someone would just take the action out of my hands and shoot me.

here for you friend.

 

[Apokryphiel]

Life just keeps going on and on with no end in sight or certainty it will get easier.

My favorite part about life is that we ultimately get to decide when it ends. We have the power to do so much, and ultimately get to do so little in the end. But I guess that just depends on the person. Imagine how great it would be to enjoy this experience without the restraints we all feel, to experience those random blips of happiness more and more often, maybe until they become a constant. I think it's that same hoping for something that keeps a lot of us here, I know it was for me.

I don't know if I will ever escape my entrapment from my family as its really hard to not express my suicidalness.

There's no greater shame than feelings of true expression like suicide are so forbidden. I feel like once you let even the slightest hint of suicidal ideology slip out, you're stripped of all your humanity in the eyes of others. But I'm not sure if I blame them, the feelings that lead up to suicidal thoughts are more than most could ever comprehend. They can't understand if they wanted to.

I know I have my games that I am developing to sell

I found it so interesting that you're a developer - I'm kind of one too, or at least aspiring. Is it just me or do all artists have things they don't talk about? I hope your games do well someday, so you can at least have a little respite.

 

[Namelesa]

My favorite part about life is that we ultimately get to decide when it ends. We have the power to do so much, and ultimately get to do so little in the end. But I guess that just depends on the person. Imagine how great it would be to enjoy this experience without the restraints we all feel, to experience those random blips of happiness more and more often, maybe until they become a constant. I think it's that same hoping for something that keeps a lot of us here, I know it was for me.

The difference with me is that I am literally unable to kill myself. I have access to no effective methods. I can't go outside on my own to jump or drown, I can't buy SN or any other thing that I can use to kill me as my parents will get to the package first when it arrives. I have tired partial hanging but my anchor point has broke.

I found it so interesting that you're a developer - I'm kind of one too, or at least aspiring. Is it just me or do all artists have things they don't talk about? I hope your games do well someday, so you can at least have a little respite.

I think its a more common thing among artists and creative people to be more mentally ill. Thank you for hoping that for me <3

 

[Apokryphiel]

The difference with me is that I am literally unable to kill myself. I have access to no effective methods.

I see. I'm sorry

Thank you for hoping that for me <3

Always!

 

[deadbidaylight]

Do you have a door on your room? It can be used as an anchor point for partial. Just a thought.

 

[Namelesa]

Do you have a door on your room? It can be used as an anchor point for partial. Just a thought.

you sure a door can be used? where do you tie the knot onto?

 

[deadbidaylight]

you sure a door can be used? where do you tie the knot onto?

I've heard of many cases with a door and a belt being effective. You throw long part of the ligature over the top of the door and then close it to hold it in place (I hope that makes sense?). Then you slip your head into the loop and you can either lean forward, bend at the knee or try and sit. All positions have been proven effective.

 

[Crematoryy]

All of us who comment have felt this sensation at least once. Life is like a train that has derailed, but continues to move clumsily.

 

[Namelesa]

I've heard of many cases with a door and a belt being effective. You throw long part of the ligature over the top of the door and then close it to hold it in place (I hope that makes sense?). Then you slip your head into the loop and you can either lean forward, bend at the knee or try and sit. All positions have been proven effective.

hmmm maybe I can actually die then hehehe. Tho I don't know if I will actually still decide on dying. As I said in previous posts I would be willing to sacrifice my own desire to die to stay here to comfort and advice people on here but its good to know this if I can't fulfill this purpose anymore as my life is useless to me so If I am of not any use to others it would be better to for me to die.

 

[Michi_Violeta]

Life does feel like a cycle, a repetitive torture in which one's trapped in, but I'll be honest with you: life really seemed like it could get better in my 20s. I was able to break the cycle for a while, only for it to repeat itself, yes, but there are times in which I look back and think: huh, if life hadn't kicked me in the balls like this at that precise moment I would've been happy. Maybe you'll make less stupid choices than the ones I made, maybe luck will finally smile upon you after what seems (and rightfully so) like a life of suffering. It can happen. And if it doesn't, at least you can die knowing you gave it all.

I don't know, I'm just rambling at this point and at no point I want to try and convince you life is worth living: I'm just saying there's a time in life when there are more chances to escape that cycle in case you want to give it a try. I know you're doing something nice by comforting and guiding people here, where the most vulnerable flock when they have nowhere to go, and that if it weren't for you the boys vs. girls counting game would be a wash.

 

[TheMountainTreeEgg]

I relate to your words. I often wish someone would just take the action out of my hands and shoot me.

here for you friend.

yeah i agree, I often wish I would die in a random accident.

 

[Namelesa]

Life does feel like a cycle, a repetitive torture in which one's trapped in, but I'll be honest with you: life really seemed like it could get better in my 20s. I was able to break the cycle for a while, only for it to repeat itself, yes, but there are times in which I look back and think: huh, if life hadn't kicked me in the balls like this at that precise moment I would've been happy. Maybe you'll make less stupid choices than the ones I made, maybe luck will finally smile upon you after what seems (and rightfully so) like a life of suffering. It can happen. And if it doesn't, at least you can die knowing you gave it all.

I don't know, I'm just rambling at this point and at no point I want to try and convince you life is worth living: I'm just saying there's a time in life when there are more chances to escape that cycle in case you want to give it a try. I know you're doing something nice by comforting and guiding people here, where the most vulnerable flock when they have nowhere to go, and that if it weren't for you the boys vs. girls counting game would be a wash.

Problem is I don't think just with time is going to help me. Time isn't going to suddenly allow me to escape my entrapment and I don't see much of a way to get out of it anytime soon, especially if I am unable to hide my suicidalness. Tho maybe some opportunity to have a better life will come up but that is uncertain and I would rather not take a risk if I could for myself.

Tho if I am lessening the suffering of others here by helping them in the moment or recovery or with method advice then I am willing to continue life for the moment as ultimately lessening suffering of multiple people here is more important than just my suffering.

What do you mean by the word wash when talking about the counting game? Sorry me dumdum with words sometimes.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

I understand what you mean in regards to trying to help others on here. it's part of my reasons too. the kindness we and others show each other in this space often goes above and beyond what someone might get in real life. you're definitely one of the ones that give that comfort to others. you deserve the same thing. sending you a massive hug. you know how to reach me privately if desired.

 

[ididnotconsent]

if I could I would hug you tightly

We all need to meet up somewhere and just give each other hugs lol

 

[Namelesa]

We all need to meet up somewhere and just give each other hugs lol

Honestly yes we should do this with other members here that live near enough to us <3

 

[Michi_Violeta]

Problem is I don't think just with time is going to help me. Time isn't going to suddenly allow me to escape my entrapment and I don't see much of a way to get out of it anytime soon, especially if I am unable to hide my suicidalness. Tho maybe some opportunity to have a better life will come up but that is uncertain and I would rather not take a risk if I could for myself.

Tho if I am lessening the suffering of others here by helping them in the moment or recovery or with method advice then I am willing to continue life for the moment as ultimately lessening suffering of multiple people here is more important than just my suffering.

What do you mean by the word wash when talking about the counting game? Sorry me dumdum with words sometimes.

I don't know you, we're just strangers behind a screen thousands of kilometers apart, but that idea about helping others being more important than just your suffering is a very noble ideal, something only truly empathetic people feel. Only you truly know how much you've got left, and that's okay, there's no rush to either live or to ctb: no wrong answers here.

Oh and maybe I misspoke because English isn't my native language, but as far as I know it's an idiom meaning "stalemate or lost cause.

 

[ididnotconsent]

Honestly yes we should do this with other members here that live near enough to us <3

Yeah just be careful who you meet up with though and always do it in a public place.

There could be sickos out there that prey on vulnerable people.