Venting someone please save me

[mold]

i feel like im fucking drowning. i feel so selfish. i have so many people who care about me, i know they do, but when i cry for help all they can say is we care and don't die. im begging for a lifeline. i don't want to die alone but im the problem in every fucking equation.

and no one fucking understands. the only people who understand are the people here, who also want to be gone too. no offense to you all, i love you all so much and care for each and every message you send, every reply. but why does it have to be this way? why can't other people understand. i need help and every time i think im at rock bottom the next day is heavier, lower than the last. im staring at my sn order and i feel like im in fucking limbo or purgatory. that feels worse than hell. if i live im in hell, if i die there's absolutely nothing waiting for me, but at least all of this pain and suffering and mental illness will go away. no one in my life gets it. i know they care, but no one fucking gets it. im stuck in a place between life and death and that feels worse than either.

i dont know anymore. i really dont.

 

[Tautochrome]

Okay, how would you like help to look like? Do you think it's possible?

 

[killawithme]

I think there are a lot of people who feel the same way also. IRL, they just keep silent. Caring for yourself doesn't make you selfish, btw, but tell me, why did you even want to kill yourself in the first place, or do you not know? What mental illness do you have?

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry you have to go through this.

What kind of help are you seeking?

 

[mold]

Okay, how would you like help to look like? Do you think it's possible?

i think i just want someone to understand or a "reason" to keep fighting, i guess? sometimes it feels like the only people who understand are the people here, and that just feels sad... like the only people who get it are people who want to die or are actively going to take their own lives too. i know its not easy for anybody, even the people who care about me, but it sucks feeling this isolation.

I'm sorry you have to go through this.

What kind of help are you seeking?

i feel like ive tried all that i could. i did things i used to love, speak to people that matter to me, spend money and resources for decades of professional help from so many different sources, people, even in two separate countries. it always just seems to lead to a dead end and i feel like im out of fuel.

I think there are a lot of people who feel the same way also. IRL, they just keep silent. Caring for yourself doesn't make you selfish, btw, but tell me, why did you even want to kill yourself in the first place, or do you not know? What mental illness do you have?

honestly, i've kept silent my whole life until recent years. i know its not "normal" to be this way (whatever that even means). and honestly, for as long as i can remember, maybe around 12 or 13 everything just felt very pointless. not that i've never genuinely smiled or laughed in my life or anything like that. i have so many mental illnesses (diagnosed) and its the fact that they all feed off of each other (and i guess i get unlucky in meeting some bad people, too) which makes it so difficult to treat. even if i can somewhat make one "easier" or "better", for example i find ways to make depression easier, PTSD or ADHD or bipolar or something else digs it right back up. It genuinely is just some kind of never ending loop.

 

[Thia]

Unfortunately people who have gone through the same thing are more likely to understand how you feel, and I feel society here stigmatizes an open discussion of mental health topics, making people less likely to open up.

I would suggest a mental health support group, but for your (and my) area, this is not commonly available. Therapy might work if the therapist is competent.

 

[mold]

Unfortunately people who have gone through the same thing are more likely to understand how you feel, and I feel society here stigmatizes an open discussion of mental health topics, making people less likely to open up.

I would suggest a mental health support group, but for your (and my) area, this is not commonly available. Therapy might work if the therapist is competent.

yeah, can't disagree there. i guess its just kind of sad to say out loud that the only people who understand me are people who are actively trying to die or feel hopeless and want to die. i think it also sucks being high functioning so a lot of doctors, therapists, etc. tend to minimize my problems. on paper my life is great, so it makes me feel so selfish sometimes. i wish i wasnt self aware and just went "crazy" or something (or "crazy enough") for people to see i'm suffering, though i guess suicide is seen as crazy. idk.

i'm so open to help and getting help, and its not like every therapist or doctor i saw sucked... it's just like i ran out of oxygen to breathe so swimming and kicking while i already can't breathe makes things worse...

 

[catbunny]

I just wanna say that I would hug you so tight if I can cause I felt every words you said there.

Last night, god I felt the same, I was unable to breathe and desperately wanted to find a reason to keep going, to cling onto. Like yeah I know my friends will be sad, my cat will be sad and all but even if i tell them, its not really helping at all.

I wish we all here at least find some peace and comfort somehow because not as easy as saying i want to kms, actually killing yourself is not that easy. So at least I wish we all find some kind of peace here, where you know people are suffering and understand you too, that youre not alone.

But at the end of the day, I wish the peace we find is to be asleep forever.

Hug hug.