Help So when does recovery start feeling like recovery?

[SecretDissociation]

When does recovery begin to feel like recovery? When does the hope come in? Like the type of hope someone feels when they see a sunset? When do you need to stop pumping yourself with fake delusions?

Telling myself I can do this, I can get better is not helping. Ever since I 'started' recovery I've been going downhill. I've just been tanking. I'm 10% more suicidal and 60% more actively suicidal than before. I can't keep up with recovery.

Not in a system so gung-ho about this one specific type of therapy, anyway. Regardless of behavioural therapy, I genuinely can't see a light at the end. When does one feel marginally better? When does the 'I'm going to stop trying to kill myself' kick in because I feel worse thinking like that. As in, 'damn, I'm really not going to have a way out of life?'

I don't get how my friend just stopped being suicidal. As in, she thought of 'wanting to die' and stuff the normal amount, but she wasn't thinking actively of overdosing anymore. Not like that didn't stop her from dying amiright? (natural causes).

So can someone enlighten me? When does recovery start feeling like recovery without the self gaslighting?

 

[Odwin]

Well, it just happens so slow you don't even notice recovery until the moment happens and you are free. Similar how you actually became suicidal. Funny, huh.

 

[SecretDissociation]

Well, it just happens so slow you don't even notice recovery until the moment happens and you are free. Similar how you actually became suicidal. Funny, huh.

That's interesting because when I remember the first instance of my suicidality. It was like something clicked in my brain and I just wanted to end it all. I guess it's like when you're improving at something more like.

That sounds long, and painful.

 

[Odwin]

That's interesting because when I remember the first instance of my suicidality. It was like something clicked in my brain and I just wanted to end it all. I guess it's like when you're improving at something more like.

That sounds long, and painful.

And you never know when it is happening. Which sucks. If we all had a progress bar, things would be easier.

 

[SecretDissociation]

And you never know when it is happening. Which sucks. If we all had a progress bar, things would be easier.

A progess bar would be so great

 

[RosieRed71]

When does recovery begin to feel like recovery? When does the hope come in? Like the type of hope someone feels when they see a sunset? When do you need to stop pumping yourself with fake delusions?

Telling myself I can do this, I can get better is not helping. Ever since I 'started' recovery I've been going downhill. I've just been tanking. I'm 10% more suicidal and 60% more actively suicidal than before. I can't keep up with recovery.

Not in a system so gung-ho about this one specific type of therapy, anyway. Regardless of behavioural therapy, I genuinely can't see a light at the end. When does one feel marginally better? When does the 'I'm going to stop trying to kill myself' kick in because I feel worse thinking like that. As in, 'damn, I'm really not going to have a way out of life?'

I don't get how my friend just stopped being suicidal. As in, she thought of 'wanting to die' and stuff the normal amount, but she wasn't thinking actively of overdosing anymore. Not like that didn't stop her from dying amiright? (natural causes).

So can someone enlighten me? When does recovery start feeling like recovery without the self gaslighting?

Would love to know myself. So up and down. Literally one day I feel like there's a bit of hope creeping in, then something always happens that puts me right back in that place where I'm making plans to CTB again.

Yesterday was a good day. Today was mostly OK then I got an email and BOOM. I'm ready to explode and once that's gone, I feel and like I've had enough.

 

[Diceroller90]

Well, it just happens so slow you don't even notice recovery until the moment happens and you are free. Similar how you actually became suicidal. Funny, huh.

That was my story the first time I left here. I just kept faking it and it just got easier and easier each time. I would throw in this: its not a linear path. There are backslides. I don't have my phone on me to check (I keep a mood journal) but I think there were like shy of a dozen times in the last 4-5 years where I had suicidal idealization (breaking down and begging for death) and two times (two weeks ago and yesterday) where I either tried to kill myself or made a plan to. That said, there are over a dozen times where I felt great and the reason I keep a mood journal is because depression is a bitch and its really, really easy to convince yourself that you are not recovering and the happy moments you think you had were just imagined. It makes it really hard to judge your progress. Hence, the mood journal. Live in the moment data recorded for future perusal.

And you never know when it is happening. Which sucks. If we all had a progress bar, things would be easier.

Which makes it the closest thing to a progress bar you can find. Its not a 1-100% tracker, but the app I use (iMoodJournal I think its called. If you want the name I will find my phone sometime tomorrow and tell you) does graph the data points. So if you start out posting your mood as 3 out of 10s and then you go up to 5 out of 10s, and you can see it on a graph. Also shows your average mood over a week, month, and year. So you don't see how much you have left to go, but it honestly shows you how far you have come and I always found that motivating.

There are just two sucky things about it. First, it takes effort and when I am depressed I find it hard to make that effort and when I am happy sometimes I just don't care to answer when it randomly asks me for how I am feeling. (I just want to keep doing what I am doing). Second, you need to be honest with yourself. If you are having a bad day, you gotta go into full on detail about it and be honest about what you are feeling this way you can trust your happy logs too (or maybe that is just my crazy mentality).

I have been using that app for just about 10 years now after dealing with depression for a fair number of years prior. I really recommend it or a similar experience if you need a push and are an analytic brained sort of person.

 

[SchizoGymnast]

When does recovery begin to feel like recovery? When does the hope come in? Like the type of hope someone feels when they see a sunset? When do you need to stop pumping yourself with fake delusions?

Telling myself I can do this, I can get better is not helping. Ever since I 'started' recovery I've been going downhill. I've just been tanking. I'm 10% more suicidal and 60% more actively suicidal than before. I can't keep up with recovery.

Not in a system so gung-ho about this one specific type of therapy, anyway. Regardless of behavioural therapy, I genuinely can't see a light at the end. When does one feel marginally better? When does the 'I'm going to stop trying to kill myself' kick in because I feel worse thinking like that. As in, 'damn, I'm really not going to have a way out of life?'

I don't get how my friend just stopped being suicidal. As in, she thought of 'wanting to die' and stuff the normal amount, but she wasn't thinking actively of overdosing anymore. Not like that didn't stop her from dying amiright? (natural causes).

So can someone enlighten me? When does recovery start feeling like recovery without the self gaslighting?

IME, when you stop thinking about recovering is when you realize healing has taken place.

 

[INYGTRMTFMO]

When do you need to stop pumping yourself with fake delusions?

If you repeat anything enough times, you generally come to believe it, even a little.

The first you tell yourself something like "Life may not get easier, but I will get better at dealing with it" or "I am a person of value and worth", it may feel almost laughable. If you try to say those things aloud, you may not be able to get it out with a straight face.

Eventually, though, it gets easier and easier to say.

Conversely, the longer you survive suicidal thoughts, the less intense they'll feel. The screams of self-hatred turn into speeches, then whispers.

As others have said, it's not precisely linear. Some days will be so painful that all you can do is grit your teeth and breathe through the tears. And some days are so beautiful that your tears are of awe and gratitude.

Survival begets survival.