Venting So upset that a health issue is making me feel like I have no other choice

[inpainnosleep]

I actually want to live. Despite having BPD, CPTSD, severe anxiety and depression, OCD, ASD, chronic migraines and so much truama, I really wanted to live. I overcame so many nervous breakdowns and obstacles and was finally living in a place of my own and had a platonic partner. Unfortunately I messed around with substances a lot in the last ten years. (I am 41F) I think that caused issues with nerve hyperexcitability. But worst of all, I have myocolonus, which does not let me sleep, like at all. For me there is nothing more important than sleep. For most people myocolonus is benign and rarely happens if at all. But for me, Every time I start to drift into sleep, one of my limbs moves violently or I get a muscle spasm and electric shock. I get next to no sleep and this makes me feel like death is the only option. It also makes my other conditions so much worse. But if I didn't have this issue, I would have wanted to live, even though my health has greatly declined in other ways in the past 7 months. What also makes me sad is that a large dose of Clonazepam (which also works as an anti-seizure med) would make this condition manageable, but no doctor this day and age is going to prescribe a large amount of Clonazepam. I already take 2mg for anxiety, and nobody is going to prescribe more. I am also extremely medication sensitive at this point, so no way would I be able to tolerate an epelepsy medication which most normal people have a hard time tolerating. Also, doctors don't see my condition as serious because I'm not going to die from it, lol. I spent the last 4 months in bed with severe brain fog and had to move back in with my parents who are now elderly but still abusive. I've left my house a total of three times in the last 4 months, just to go to useless doctors appointments which just made me feel so much more despondent. But I feel like my body is not compatible with life any longer. I know that people live on next to no sleep, but I just can't do it. All I think about is dying, but I fought so hard to survive and was afraid of death before this. Now I spent most of my time doing research on how to cbt.I wish I could have written this more eloquently, but my brain is so tired and tormented right now. I just want the ability to sleep (which I love) and I do not have that ability. I also keep thinking about the mistakes that led me to this point.

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

Hi there, I am writing this @2am because I have suffered with myclonus for over 2 years now and can't sleep. I also suffer from severe depression and severe health anxiety. I've taken so many psych meds over the last 20 years, im sure have messed my brain up, especially the anti psychotic add ons that can cause uncontrollable muscle movements. I am allowed 2mgs of xanax at night to sleep but have built up a tolerance. I started at 1mg. So they aren't going to give me anymore. So we are in the same boat except I don't want to live anymore as my mental illness is extreme. I lost my job recently and had to go on disability. I'm mostly housebound and I have lost all my will to go on. Also I am 56 years old and feel that's long enough. What do I have to look forward to at my age? I already have some genetic health concerns that could really fuck me up, which really scares me. (Thanks Dad.) Have you seen a neurologist? They might prescribe you the benzo or some other drug that helps,if there is one. I hope you can find something because you shouldn't have to take your life over sleep. But insomnia in general is a common reason for suicide. Tell the Dr how you feel. Sleep is vital to the brain and overall well-being. Wishing you all the best

 

[inpainnosleep]

Thank you so much for your reply. I'm so sorry that you are struggling. It really sucks to be housebound and not wanting to go on. I understand not wanting to be here due to mental health, but I have never practically perused ctb until now because my sleep collapsed. Are you able to sleep at all? It sucks because I was so depressed between 2021 and 2024 that I lost a quarter of my weight. Then I was able to recover, sort of build the life that I wanted (I'm on disability also.) And after a year of being better my health collapsed and worst of all my sleep completely collapsed. I've made so many mistakes with meds and thc. And even recently I made huge mistakes with my Clonazepam. I can never learn my lesson. I had a lot of Clonazepam left over because I was taking less then prescribed for a long time, but I messed it up because not sleeping was so traumatizing I started to take a lot more. I should have used up my stash much more slowly, tritrating back and forth between small doses, but I didn't and it's all used up. :( I have been to two neurologists, and both referred me to psych which is so frustrating. One prescribed an antiepileptic which I couldn't tolerate. My psychiatrist refuses to treat my neuro problems and refers me back to neuro. I had an appointment with my psych today to try to get an extra gram for the myocolonus, but I came off as crazy and drug seeking and of course she said no and I know I pissed her off. I'm afraid that because my psych already prescribes me Clonazepam, no neurologist is going to prescribe more, and there's no way I can tolerate anti-epileptics. I have another neuro appointments on May20th, but May 20th feels like too far away and I don't have any hope for it. Not sleeping is the main driver behind my severe depression and anxiety right now. You are right, nobody should have to ctb over sleep. I've been through so much trauma, loss and mental illness. I had a migraine that came along with a nervous breakdown that lasted 24/7 for a year and a half. sleep (and probably physical pain) is actually one of the only things I would ctb over and it makes me so, so sad. Lack of sleep makes me extremely depressed and anxious, shaky, gives me vertigo and makes me feel like I'm floating, it alters how I hear and see things, alters my heart rate and body temp and overall makes me feel like I have the flu all the time. This forum does push SN a lot and I was able to find the site and kind of make preparations in my head. And I'm terrified that since my stash is gone I'm looking forward to countless sleepless nights and I don't know how to get through them. And because I overdid it like always, my normal dose of 2 mg now feels like I'm in withdrawal. How do you personally cope with little sleep? If you don't know there's actually a Facebook group for people with myocolonus if you are interested. I understand the sentiment of not having anything to look forward to. I am Autistic and have BPD. If I don't have an "important person" I often feel like I don't exist. But my autistic special interests used to be able to keep me going sometimes. I don't care about anything other than health issues anymore right now and I completely withdrew from everyone. I'm not sure what the solution is for you and I understand if there is none but I hope you find an answer. But I completely get the emptiness. I've never gotten married, no children, no more extended family or pets and I now live with parents who scream all day. I just don't know how to get through the sleepless nights, it takes forever to get appointments, and I'm not sure how to keep going. I would have wanted to live if it wasn't for the sleep issues. But because my health got messed up in other ways (even before my sleep,) I just feel like there's so much torture ahead.

 

[outrider567]

I once couldn't sleep for 10 nights in a row back in 2019, due to a bad cold with non-stop coughing, and then brutal acid reflux nausea, it was hell