Everyday I feel like I barely scrape by, and I want to get established with care but I'm honestly so depressed and struggling to work I'm afraid if I do get providers I'll just end up losing my job soon and in turn my insurance and then I'll just have to start all over again. (I already had to leave my old providers when I started this job) I've already taken myself to the hospital when I've wanted to die multiple times and I've never really felt like the help I got from them was much more than I would've done for myself anyway. But at least when I went before I was on state insurance so I wasn't on the hook for the cost. Now I would have to pay at least part and having no idea how expensive it could be scares me. It all just feels so pointless. I remember once I told my doctor how hard of a time I was having getting help for my depression and he said 'I'm sorry that the mental health system has failed you', but didn't follow that up with anything about trying to get me help. Just kind of felt like he was acknowledging there isn't help for everyone. I've spent so much of my life being outwardly depressed and suicidal almost as if to say 'I don't want to die but I need help and if I don't get it I will so please somebody help me'. I feel like I've realized now that I'll either kill myself or I won't, but no one is going to come to my rescue just because I'm desperately begging for help. I just don't know how to find the energy to get it myself. I'm already using everything I have just to survive the day.
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puella
she/they
- Oct 5, 2023
- 320
You deserve the help you need. I'm here for you. I can't replace a therapist, and I likely won't be enough to take away your pain. But I want to help you.
