This post is going to reference a therapy experience- I know not everyone agrees or thinks highly of therapy, just know that I've had a decent experience with it and trust my therapist-
So in the past few weeks I have been teetering on the fence. Part of me thinks I want to CTB, then part of me thinks not to. It's mostly this job- I can't stand it anymore. I know, it's stupid to CTB over a job but it is what it is. If I quit I'm a failure blah blah blah. (Yes that is my brain telling me that) I would be hard pressed to find other employment that pays the same rate and allows me to support myself, so finding something else is out of the question.
Today therapy just sent me over the edge. Normally therapy is a good thing for me- I have an amazing therapist and I can share my suicidal thoughts with. I usually am cautious and don't give away too much about plans etc. I've been able to talk about this site- not by name- but just the fact that it helps me. It was suggested to me that coming here and researching methods was counterproductive to my trying to get better. So I just stopped talking about here. Until today. After a trying week last week and a late night call to my therapist last week he asked how my thoughts were. I just came clean. I admitted that I was back on this site and had been researching methods. I talked about SN. I even talked about a substance more potent than SN (obviously I was referring to N but I claimed to not remember it's name). Part of me figured I was going to be sent to the psych ward?- I don't know maybe in some way I wanted to be.-Anyhow, my therapist just asked me where I was in the process of obtaining either of them. I admitted that I still had research to do on it. At that point, my therapist asked if I could commit to not doing research or visiting the site again. At that point I felt it necessary to just agree to that. Obviously I didn't mean it because I am on the site now.
All I know is the whole experience just pushed me closer to CTB. I guess maybe I was hoping my therapist would just commit me- that to me would show that I did matter and he was concerned. In a way-as fucked up as it is- him just letting me say I am committed to no more research on methods means that I don't really matter, if that makes sense. I know my relationship with my therapist is important to me probably more than most. It's just we've been through a lot and it is important to me.
Anyway this whole experience has me more set than ever to obtain N. In a messed up way the experience has proved to me that I don't matter.
So in the past few weeks I have been teetering on the fence. Part of me thinks I want to CTB, then part of me thinks not to. It's mostly this job- I can't stand it anymore. I know, it's stupid to CTB over a job but it is what it is. If I quit I'm a failure blah blah blah. (Yes that is my brain telling me that) I would be hard pressed to find other employment that pays the same rate and allows me to support myself, so finding something else is out of the question.
Today therapy just sent me over the edge. Normally therapy is a good thing for me- I have an amazing therapist and I can share my suicidal thoughts with. I usually am cautious and don't give away too much about plans etc. I've been able to talk about this site- not by name- but just the fact that it helps me. It was suggested to me that coming here and researching methods was counterproductive to my trying to get better. So I just stopped talking about here. Until today. After a trying week last week and a late night call to my therapist last week he asked how my thoughts were. I just came clean. I admitted that I was back on this site and had been researching methods. I talked about SN. I even talked about a substance more potent than SN (obviously I was referring to N but I claimed to not remember it's name). Part of me figured I was going to be sent to the psych ward?- I don't know maybe in some way I wanted to be.-Anyhow, my therapist just asked me where I was in the process of obtaining either of them. I admitted that I still had research to do on it. At that point, my therapist asked if I could commit to not doing research or visiting the site again. At that point I felt it necessary to just agree to that. Obviously I didn't mean it because I am on the site now.
All I know is the whole experience just pushed me closer to CTB. I guess maybe I was hoping my therapist would just commit me- that to me would show that I did matter and he was concerned. In a way-as fucked up as it is- him just letting me say I am committed to no more research on methods means that I don't really matter, if that makes sense. I know my relationship with my therapist is important to me probably more than most. It's just we've been through a lot and it is important to me.
Anyway this whole experience has me more set than ever to obtain N. In a messed up way the experience has proved to me that I don't matter.
