So annoyed with myself

[cokebaby]

Hi long time lurker here. I'm so annoyed with myself. I had psychosis last year and attempted multiple times, mostly hanging from my wardrobe with a scarf which obviously didn't go particularly well, and I ordered SN. Before it came, my sister took me to A&E with ligature marks around my neck. I think I kept attempting when people where in the house so I'd get caught, maybe it was a cry for attention idk? Anyway, they didn't section me and sent me on my merry way. My psychosis episode gradually got worse and I had to be sectioned, which not gonna lie was fucking awful in the middle of COVID lockdown. I literally thought I'd created the virus and I as spreading it around even though I'd never leave the house. My parents kept buying me cake and treats trying to get me to eat but I couldn't stomach anything, I just had constant delusional thinking and hallucinations that I couldn't distract myself from. I thought the government were after me for ordering the SN and causing the virus, I kept seeing reels on TV of all the damage I'd caused with the virus and that I was 'taking the easy way out' by trying to kill myself. Anyway, off I go in the ambulance. My this point I hadn't peed in two weeks so my bladder was aching and the nurses thought I was delirious because of a bladder infection. They shot me up with a tranquilliser and unfortunately I managed to pee all over the nurse. They were super nice about it and all but I was disoriented and scared I'd passed on the 'virus' through my pee that I was just shouting and screaming and was on one on one obs so felt like I was constantly being watched on the acute ward. Anyway, my SN came family opened the package and confiscated it. So annoyed this happened. I've just moved in with my boyfriend and I'm so suicidal. I told my EIP team and honestly they just don't seem interested in putting me back on my anti psychotic. I just want to die and I've made peace that I'm gonna feel like this forever. I found rope in my boyfriends things and planning on trying to hang myself while he's out the house. I feel so lonely and detached from everyone and everything. I feel like if I do one thing wrong he's gonna get mad at me, and it's not his fault I'm just scared of fucking things up. Since hanging hasn't worked for me the last few times, does anyone have a reliable source for SN in the UK? I've trawled the forum all last night but can't seem to find one. Please help.

 

[Symbiote]

Welcome to SS, sorry you're here. Getting SN in the UK is difficult, not impossible though. With your living situation though, I'm afraid if you were to find a source, that it would get confiscated again by family and then you end up back in the ward.

 

[cokebaby]

Welcome to SS, sorry you're here. Getting SN in the UK is difficult, not impossible though. With your living situation though, I'm afraid if you were to find a source, that it would get confiscated again by family and then you end up back in the ward.

It was SO easy the last time I did it. I found the polish seller on the popular auction site and it was here within two weeks. Crazy how much it's changed in a year. I'm living with my boyfriend currently and he's out a lot so it's a lot easier than when I was with my family.