Six years ago, I planned to kill someone.

[SchizoPolyGymnast]

Six years ago today...yes, Valentine's Day...I got fired from a job of six years for an angry social media post I made while manic. Someone had given me roses just hours beforehand. I was in a cafe when I got the call. I remember what the guy said during the call too. Separating you from employment and all that.

I cried a little but mostly I was enraged. And I just sat there, kept getting more enraged, not able to focus on anything else. Feeling like Esther wiping her runny mascara in the movie Orphan. And the plan started. I could just kill them, right? I have nothing left.

I thought about getting a gun at Walmart but I knew I wouldn't get much fire power with that. I was better off waiting until I could get to a gun store. I had the money. I knew where they were and their schedules. Why not?

I didn't buy the weapon. I stewed on this for awhile, until I was exhausted from feeling this way and I called crisis. We ended up meeting at my home and everyone agreed I needed psychiatric hospitalization. I asked what would happen if I refused. They said they would get the police involved. No thanks. So I went. And honestly I was happier there than I had been in a long time. And when it was over, they ordered me a taxi and dropped me off at the parking lot where my car was.

Congratulations. Welcome to your new life. Good luck.

And six years later...I don't feel like I've changed much. I was really hoping I would have more of a success story than this. Surely there is more to me than NOT being a mass murderer, right?

At least I didn't have to go to work tomorrow, right?

I'll order dinner and maybe do some makeup. But in some ways I feel just as empty and lost and I did that night. And I'm not sure what to do in that case.

 

[SASU-KE]

So you didn't kill them? That's excellent. Good for you....and them.

Spoiler

Seriously though, you ended up doing the right thing and that's what matters.

 

[SchizoPolyGymnast]

So you didn't kill them? That's excellent. Good for you....and them.

Spoiler

Seriously though, you ended up doing the right thing and that's what matters.

I know this, but I wish I had something going for me six years later besides not going to jail. I guess I have a cool origin story.

 

[SASU-KE]

I know this, but I wish I had something going for me six years later besides not going to jail. I guess I have a cool origin story.

At least you're 'entertaining' people off the street and having a good time?

Spoiler

Sorry, I got a chuckle out of that previous post you made. You know what I'm talking about.

 

[SchizoPolyGymnast]

No

At least you're 'entertaining' people off the street and having a good time?

Spoiler

Sorry, I got a chuckle out of that previous post you made. You know what I'm talking about.

No worries at all!

I plan on doing psych ward themed makeup. Scare all my customers.

 

[behindtheveil]

The real you I am sure is a great soul. What happened that day was a heat of the moment thought. It was unfair the way you lost your job. But so is being born in this terrible world. I am sure your heart is filled with kindness and love, take a dip in that. You are loved and always will be. Maybe tomorrow you start something new and who knows by the next valentine you might have brought light to many of the distressed souls out there.

 

[SASU-KE]

I know this, but I wish I had something going for me six years later besides not going to jail.

In all honesty, I feel the same way. See, The thing is, I'll compare myself often to others and feel inadequate.

But we've kind of got unique problems, don't we? I consider you overcoming that episode a pretty big deal.Things could have gone south for a lot of other people in that situation . But you didn't let that happen.


I'm kind of just struggling to get through each day. But I'm still managing.This is a really normal thing for most people, but it's a very different, difficult thing for me.Maybe the same for you as well?

You got through a really difficult six years and you're still here . That's how I look at it.

 

[fadedghost]

Six years ago today...yes, Valentine's Day...I got fired from a job of six years for an angry social media post I made while manic. Someone had given me roses just hours beforehand. I was in a cafe when I got the call. I remember what the guy said during the call too. Separating you from employment and all that.

I cried a little but mostly I was enraged. And I just sat there, kept getting more enraged, not able to focus on anything else. Feeling like Esther wiping her runny mascara in the movie Orphan. And the plan started. I could just kill them, right? I have nothing left.

I thought about getting a gun at Walmart but I knew I wouldn't get much fire power with that. I was better off waiting until I could get to a gun store. I had the money. I knew where they were and their schedules. Why not?

I didn't buy the weapon. I stewed on this for awhile, until I was exhausted from feeling this way and I called crisis. We ended up meeting at my home and everyone agreed I needed psychiatric hospitalization. I asked what would happen if I refused. They said they would get the police involved. No thanks. So I went. And honestly I was happier there than I had been in a long time. And when it was over, they ordered me a taxi and dropped me off at the parking lot where my car was.

Congratulations. Welcome to your new life. Good luck.

And six years later...I don't feel like I've changed much. I was really hoping I would have more of a success story than this. Surely there is more to me than NOT being a mass murderer, right?

At least I didn't have to go to work tomorrow, right?

I'll order dinner and maybe do some makeup. But in some ways I feel just as empty and lost and I did that night. And I'm not sure what to do in that case.

honestly, i think lots of people, when fired or betrayed or in the midst of something horrible think about doing terrible stuff, but it usually takes a lot of effort to go through with it, including getting past extreme fear and nervousness, and a lot of times fantasies and anger about violence are just fantasies and a way people cope with feeling powerless... it's a way of a person knowing something could be done to feel less powerful and even things out... most people don't end up acting on such ideas... especially in situations that aren't that big of a deal (because there are other jobs out there, even though that was probably really traumatic).

if you hadn't called crisis, you probably would have been fine in a few days and often visits to a psychiatric hospital costs 10s of thousands of dollars and are very hard to recover from financially (but at least mental health care workers get paid a lot, right?), especially since you probably weren't insured after being fired. mental health professionals absolutely never care about financial wellness, it is their lowest priority when dealing with patients because often, if they cared about financial wellness, they would just tell patients to save their money and not be a client...

friends don't let friends call 988

or at least not without knowing the financial risks involved.

also, lots of people have been fired for social media posts, while manic, while not manic. i'm not saying you weren't manic, you may have been, but i really hate how the mental health industry has to pathologize everything and turn everything into a disease process... because poorly thought out social media posts having disastrous results is typical in society these days.

how did HR find out? were you friends with people from work on social media and someone reported it?

glad it didn't end up worse, however...

 

[SchizoPolyGymnast]

honestly, i think lots of people, when fired or betrayed or in the midst of something horrible think about doing terrible stuff, but it usually takes a lot of effort to go through with it, including getting past extreme fear and nervousness, and a lot of times fantasies and anger about violence are just fantasies and a way people cope with feeling powerless... it's a way of a person knowing something could be done to feel less powerful and even things out... most people don't end up acting on such ideas... especially in situations that aren't that big of a deal (because there are other jobs out there, even though that was probably really traumatic).

I have a developmental disability (nothing to do with mental illness) that skews my judgement so it's not that simple. I agree that this is the rational take for most people. It just wasn't within my faculties at the time.

if you hadn't called crisis, you probably would have been fine in a few days and often visits to a psychiatric hospital costs 10s of thousands of dollars and are very hard to recover from financially (but at least mental health care workers get paid a lot, right?), especially since you probably weren't insured after being fired. mental health professionals absolutely never care about financial wellness, it is their lowest priority when dealing with patients because often, if they cared about financial wellness, they would just tell patients to save their money and not be a client...

My stay was fully covered by my job's insurance (1 month severance) and Medicaid, plus I got employment assistance upon discharge. I was very fortunate.

friends don't let friends call 988

or at least not without knowing the financial risks involved.

988 wasn't a thing back when this happened but I had local services available to me. I even knew friends who worked there.

also, lots of people have been fired for social media posts, while manic, while not manic. i'm not saying you weren't manic, you may have been, but i really hate how the mental health industry has to pathologize everything and turn everything into a disease process... because poorly thought out social media posts having disastrous results is typical in society these days.

I agree with you 100%. In my case, I DID directly threaten to kill someone but I know for a fact I didn't mean it. I just was venting to a friend. In the US, you can be fired for just about any reason not expressly prohibited by law. Don't like your hair color? Gone. Don't like that you volunteer for a political candidate on your own time? Gone. In any case, I'm so paranoid about my online presence now.

how did HR find out? were you friends with people from work on social media and someone reported it?

glad it didn't end up worse, however...

I have no clue how they found out. Total mystery.

I'm not saying everyone should do what I did, or even that I did everything right. I'm just observing what a disaster I was then, and how I'm objectively much better off. Still a disaster. But six years with no hospital stays is something I'm choosing to be happy about. It's like celebrating a sobriety date.

 

[primadonna_]

Six years ago today...yes, Valentine's Day...I got fired from a job of six years for an angry social media post I made while manic. Someone had given me roses just hours beforehand. I was in a cafe when I got the call. I remember what the guy said during the call too. Separating you from employment and all that.

I cried a little but mostly I was enraged. And I just sat there, kept getting more enraged, not able to focus on anything else. Feeling like Esther wiping her runny mascara in the movie Orphan. And the plan started. I could just kill them, right? I have nothing left.

I thought about getting a gun at Walmart but I knew I wouldn't get much fire power with that. I was better off waiting until I could get to a gun store. I had the money. I knew where they were and their schedules. Why not?

I didn't buy the weapon. I stewed on this for awhile, until I was exhausted from feeling this way and I called crisis. We ended up meeting at my home and everyone agreed I needed psychiatric hospitalization. I asked what would happen if I refused. They said they would get the police involved. No thanks. So I went. And honestly I was happier there than I had been in a long time. And when it was over, they ordered me a taxi and dropped me off at the parking lot where my car was.

Congratulations. Welcome to your new life. Good luck.

And six years later...I don't feel like I've changed much. I was really hoping I would have more of a success story than this. Surely there is more to me than NOT being a mass murderer, right?

At least I didn't have to go to work tomorrow, right?

I'll order dinner and maybe do some makeup. But in some ways I feel just as empty and lost and I did that night. And I'm not sure what to do in that case.

unfortunately i relate to this

I have aspd and I struggled a lot with resisting to harm my recovering abuser, (my mom) which eventually led to me attempting to stab her in her sleep but it didn't work lol

thank god for my dad randomly being awake in the middle of the night and that i was too young to be prosecuted for something like this or i would be in some hot water

 

[SchizoPolyGymnast]

In all honesty, I feel the same way. See, The thing is, I'll compare myself often to others and feel inadequate.

But we've kind of got unique problems, don't we? I consider you overcoming that episode a pretty big deal.Things could have gone south for a lot of other people in that situation . But you didn't let that happen.


I'm kind of just struggling to get through each day. But I'm still managing.This is a really normal thing for most people, but it's a very different, difficult thing for me.Maybe the same for you as well?

You got through a really difficult six years and you're still here . That's how I look at it.

I'm just so damn sour. Not sure what would pick me up. A sugar daddy maybe...

Seriously I'm making myself celebrate. Sometimes I think you need to force yourself even to do good things. Otherwise your life becomes gray. And I worked too damn hard for a gray life.

 

[SASU-KE]

I'm just so damn sour. Not sure what would pick me up. A sugar daddy maybe...

Seriously I'm making myself celebrate. Sometimes I think you need to force yourself even to do good things. Otherwise your life becomes gray. And I worked too damn hard for a gray life.

See, The thing is, you're doing pretty well. The reason is, I'm sure your life is much tougher than most people. They don't have to deal with a lot of the things you're facing.
Every time I compare myself to some of my coworkers and look at other people do certain things, I remind myself that they and I are very different. It's just the cards we were dealt with this chemistry and biology of ours.

I also make sure to celebrate from time to time. I just had a Nutella sandwich a little while ago. As far as bringing random people back home, I'd rather not. What if they turn out to be murderous like you?,j/k.

 

[SchizoPolyGymnast]

See, The thing is, you're doing pretty well. The reason is, I'm sure your life is much tougher than most people. They don't have to deal with a lot of the things you're facing.
Every time I compare myself to some of my coworkers and look at other people do certain things, I remind myself that they and I are very different. It's just the cards we were dealt with this chemistry and biology of ours.

I also make sure to celebrate from time to time. I just had a Nutella sandwich a little while ago. As far as bringing random people back home, I'd rather not. What if they turn out to be murderous like you?,j/k.

Ha! I am, in reality, incredibly pacifistic. I have some dark triad traits within me. For example, I score a little higher than average on psychopathy. But I'm soft and I love cats. And children and old people. HR can take a hike tho.

 

[madameviolette]

That's good you didn't kill anyone. Not worth it imo. But wondering what was that angry post about that would result in you getting fired ?

 

[SchizoPolyGymnast]

That's good you didn't kill anyone. Not worth it imo. But wondering what was that angry post about that would result in you getting fired ?

I said, "I'm going to murder Crystal." No other context. Which I understand. You can't threaten people or break the law. It just sucks that the wrong person saw it and didn't know what I meant. But maybe it was for the best. I hated that job but was too scared for my financial stability to quit.

 

[fadedghost]

I said, "I'm going to murder Crystal." No other context. Which I understand. You can't threaten people or break the law. It just sucks that the wrong person saw it and didn't know what I meant. But maybe it was for the best. I hated that job but was too scared for my financial stability to quit.

was this someone who worked with you and did you have any social media connections to anyone at work?

 

[SASU-KE]

I score a little higher than average on psychopathy. But I'm soft and I love cats. And children and old people.

You might be one of those Yandere or Tsundere types. There are a lot more categories, but I think you fall into one of those.

thank god for my dad randomly being awake in the middle of the night and that i was too young to be prosecuted for something like this or i would be in some hot water

Wait a second. You're thankful that you didn't get into any trouble with the law. What about your parents? What did they do about the whole thing? Was your dad like no supper for you,bad primadonna!go to bed?

 

[metfan647]

Did you find yourself back in work over the past 6 years?

 

[SchizoPolyGymnast]

Did you find yourself back in work over the past 6 years?

I was back to work 2 weeks after discharge. It was fast food, but it helped me get back on my feet. Now I'm back in my field and in a much better job and making way more money.

 

[primadonna_]

You might be one of those Yandere or Tsundere types. There are a lot more categories, but I think you fall into one of those.

Wait a second. You're thankful that you didn't get into any trouble with the law. What about your parents? What did they do about the whole thing? Was your dad like no supper for you,bad primadonna!go to bed?

Well my dad didn't catch me I literally had to hide from him because I was downstairs preparing or something and he came down to get water so I knew I couldn't do it if he was wide awake and my parents didn't even know until I told them when I was like 13 lolllll

 

[android]

friends don't let friends call 988

Does 988 know your location unless you explicitly share it with them? I dont think so.

There is only one meaningful conversation i have had in my life so far, at least with words I spoke. It was with a young woman from local 988.

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

Does 988 know your location unless you explicitly share it with them? I dont think so.

There is only one meaningful conversation i have had in my life so far, at least with words I spoke. It was with a young woman from local 988.

They do track people's pocation without consent if they think someone actively plans to harm themselves or others. There are plenty of anti-carceral (non-tracking) hotlines and warmlines though.

 

[SASU-KE]

Well my dad didn't catch me I literally had to hide from him because I was downstairs preparing or something and he came down to get water so I knew I couldn't do it if he was wide awake and my parents didn't even know until I told them when I was like 13 lolllll

Looks like you were the one who dodged a bullet,lol.

Why did you let them know later? You know your next attempt is going to be harder, right?
j/k.

 

[android]

They do track people's pocation without consent if they think someone actively plans to harm themselves or others. There are plenty of anti-carceral (non-tracking) hotlines and warmlines though.

Really
They say they dont
Whats a non tracking hotline ?

 

[fadedghost]

Really
They say they dont
Whats a non tracking hotline ?

they are lying. anyone with a landline is in a physical location, anyone with 5G is easily traceable within in a few feet. They just have to request it from the phone company, and often do when they are concerned... they put in a request that simultaneously alerts police and emergency personnel and tracks you via phone. I'm glad they didn't think you were suicidal enough to do that. The government lies, a lot, and 988 is the government.

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

Really
They say they dont
Whats a non tracking hotline ?

They don't unless they "believe you to be an immediate danger to yourself or others." They're mandated reporters, like therapists. Here are some resources! Trans Lifeline is an anti-carceral hotline for trans people, but the second link has many other hotlines for all identities.

The Problem with 988 Report - Trans Lifeline

The Problem with 988: How America’s Largest Hotline Violates Consent, Compromises Safety, and Fails the People This report critically examines the 988

translifeline.org

Community-Based Crisis Support Resources - Trans Lifeline

Hotlines That Avoid Police Crisis Support Guides Support Groups for Survivors of Forced Treatment Peer Support Orgs & Respites Mental Health Crisis

translifeline.org

 

[anhedonic_moron]

i had homicidal tendencies at a certain point as well and can relate to you a lot, one thing that can hopefully prevent it from coming back was thinking philosophically (or so how it prevented me) if i were to kill people that had harmed me, humiliated me, made things difficult for me, am i not doing them a favour? that they won't be having any experience after i killed them, no negativity, no positivity, nothing. of course this shouldn't be used to justify any "moral" killings (unless in rare extreme examples) but it was a realization that made me out of my misanthropic slump, hopefully it can to you too

 

[primadonna_]

Looks like you were the one who dodged a bullet,lol.

Why did you let them know later? You know your next attempt is going to be harder, right?
j/k.

I let them know because I was in this fit of rage I was throwing so my parents would give me my stuff back and I was confessing things left and right and just throwing all this shocking info at them because I thought it would work better or something lol (it did for some reason???)

and yeah i'm not 8 anymore so they gonna prosecute me fr </3