Venting Simply just shut down

[jyko]

As of late as I've become more concrete and hopefully effective in my ctb plans, and stopped drinking so much in order to get the energy to talk to people to create some false sense of belonging, I feel like I've just shut down as a person. I don't listen to music, and I used to be one of those top 1% listener statistics gatherers for various artists. All the youtube videos I watch if i even have the energy are all videos I used to watch 7/8/9/10 years ago which idk why. Some sense of nostalgia when things were better?

I don't go outside much because my self esteem is even lower than ever failing so many interviews, and poignantly the last few days all I do is just smoke and sleep - I can't even conjure up the energy to be hungry anymore, just thirsty. Nothing excites me like it used to years and years ago it just irritates me demanding I spend the energy on it to try to care about it. Alot of this isolation means I've been consuming alot of the only last favourite things I have - 2 TV shows, both of which center pretty heavily on death (HBO chernobyl and The Boys), and that's kind of all I've got.

It feels like being in some conscious coma and it doesn't even really make me miserable? Not liking music and hobbies anymore is a bit of a bummer but it makes sense my mind would block out things that brought me so much joy when it's so preoccupied finding the best way to ctb. It's a very very intriguing state to be in

 

[Username1359751]

Can I ask you to elaborate on that job?

 

[jyko]

Can I ask you to elaborate on that job?

What do u mean by this sorry

 

[fallingtopieces]

I know that feeling, many of us do. When nothing really feels good, very little to no joy (anhedonia). I liked how you put it, "Nothing excites me like it used to years and years ago it just irritates me demanding I spend the energy on it to try to care about it." It's a tough low period and for what it's worth, isolating doesn't help. That said I don't get out much either.

 

[jyko]

I know that feeling, many of us do. When nothing really feels good, very little to no joy (anhedonia). I liked how you put it, "Nothing excites me like it used to years and years ago it just irritates me demanding I spend the energy on it to try to care about it." It's a tough low period and for what it's worth, isolating doesn't help. That said I don't get out much either.

i for sure can recognise that isolation isnt helping, and my support network and good friends are generally all online based so its hard to actually get OUT out to actually feel anything because well, there doesn't seem a reason to lmaoo. ive been trying to talk to my online friends more recently and while i do appreciate them for being so kind and so loving as people i really lucked out with the most amazing diverse friends, it doesnt change the fact that i feel nothing. except maybe deep sympathy for them for whats to come. what used to really switch my whole mentality around barely makes a dent anymore, i feel bad for them

 

[CantDoIt]

I recognize that. Actually, things I like "trigger" me if that makes sense. Trying to enjoy things feels like a lie and I don't deserve those enjoyable things.

 

[jyko]

I recognize that. Actually, things I like "trigger" me if that makes sense. Trying to enjoy things feels like a lie and I don't deserve those enjoyable things.

i definitely understand what you mean. it sucks to think the things ur body likes is also the thing ur body detests and feels guilty for. if its worth even a cent, i believe you deserve all of these good things, all of your happy places even if they trigger guilt because you deserve to atleast be content with something in life, even just a favourite show or song or whatever. at least that.

 

[Username1359751]

What do u mean by this sorry

Your "listener statistic gathering" job. What exactly did you do and how did you find that job?

 

[jyko]

Your "listener statistic gathering" job. What exactly did you do and how did you find that job?

ohhhhhhhhh no i meant like i was one of those people who made it my life mission to be in the top listener of artists i liked so i would stream them alot; no job, although i wish lmao