simple questions

[mimiopo22]

How old are you and when you say you want to kill yourself you are 100% serious or is it just a fantasy, "a great" fantasy? answer sincerely without getting caught up in the rage of the moment

 

[Superdeterminist]

24 and I'm 100% serious. I do have misgivings about it though, mainly: what if I return and experience an even more painful life than this one? Seriously - I'm really convinced that returning to some kind of reality, whether this one or another, is inevitable. I think that it's very likely that there's conscious life elsewhere, maybe even other universes with different laws, even though we can't observe any right now. If we assume that earth is the only haven for life, there's still a lot that concerns me:

I really don't want to go "back to square one" as it were and have to be a child again, I hated being a kid. I really don't want to return as an impoverished soul in the third world, or a severely disabled person in a world full of mostly physically normal people. I really don't want to return as a factory farmed pig living in its own feces with no room in my cage to even turn around, or a wild animal for that matter, whose life isn't much better - having to worry about being eaten alive, parasitic diseases, and god knows what other torments. I really don't want to return as a violence-prone individual who spends their life in a cell, or conversely, a victim of that violence.

I've only listed a few of the horrors known to us on this one particular planet, who knows what goes unseen. And yet, I have to roll those dice sooner or later, so all of this worrying is almost pointless, nonetheless it's still terrifying to consider, and gives me great pause. I have hated this life, but maybe it's still better than playing that roulette early.​

 

[SuicidallyCurious]

Young but I want to CTB for sure in life at some point. Mainly I want to CTB to avoid horrors of advanced aging but CV19 crisis may cause me to CTB early

 

[alice-in-wonderland]

I am 31 y.o and in remission at the moment. When I wasn't in remission I was trying to find ways to combat my survival instinct in order to kill myself. Wanting/planning to kill myself was not a fantasy even though I was and am aware that my survival instinct will do its best to keep my alive. If I am to live, I want to live agony free and have an authentic live with authentic people. Also I wanted to die while being "myself"/free spirit and not enslaved by my environment.

 

[Rue89]

I'm 25, and I'm serious about ctb, but I do have a lot of anxiety about it. Well my anxiety is the main reason I want to ctb. It's becoming unbearable. I have SN and everything else needed. I just ordered propranolol which should also make it go smoother.

 

[Deleted member 22624]

Middle aged, at least 95%, at least at the moment

 

[Sherri]

Guess all my life, during my teens specially I could see how bad it was. Since then it's been one day at a time for me. With ups and downs a few ctb tries, all failed obviously.

 

[moonchild]

26. I was very serious during the first half of 2020, and I wouldn't say it feels like a fantasy right now but it's more of a back-up plan than it used to be. I'm convinced I'll kill myself eventually though, rather than die of natural causes.

 

[yive]

young. 100% serious. life is not for me.
i hate this fucked up world

 

[orbroots]

early 20s. I'm as serious about it as anything else. In terms of timing, sometimes it's a trickle of a thought and other times it's a rushing stream. I think killing myself will always be my preferred way to go out. I didn't get to choose being born in the same way I'll hopefully choose dying. It seems like a rare and balanced opportunity.

 

[MrBlue]

22. I'm 100% certain that ctb will be the way I die, but I'm currently trying to see how far I can get. It could be in the next few months or when I'm 25 and I can't take anymore, it's a matter of when rather than if.

 

[Teal_Blue_Dreams]

in my late 30's. i am 90% I'd say.

 

[Snowdrifts1212]

I am 39.

I am very serious that I wish to no longer exist. I wish to die and not suffer any more, because life has become absolutely unbearable and has been for some time. Whether I will actually commit suicide or not, remains to be seen. It depends on if I can find the courage, preparation and peace with the decision. In the meantime, I'm just learning and preparing and working on wrapping my head around it.

 

[MindFog]

When I was 18. Life just took a sharp turn for the worse. And it made me see how the pillars where I anchor my sanity to is just based on lies.

I got so disillusioned that I gave up on everything I worked hard for. I never wanted it in the first place anyway. I never any ambition in life.

 

[awfullife]

38 after losing dream job, wife, kids, house, savings and then car. Stress and adderall induced psychotic episode and bam, sign me up for SS.
When you lose everything it's hard to say life is worth living. Normies say life will get better lol.

 

[Bigpink]

57. Had a family, life, house and all of that. Suicidal thoughts have never at any time been far from my thoughts, should have done it a very long time ago.
Hope I will be able to, the secure knowledge that I won't be here forever sustains me.

 

[Tired_Tired]

If CTB is easy and legal. I will not doubt anyone in SS. It doesn't matter if you are passive and proactive. Any reason is not important if you didn't hurt anyone physically.

 

[Teal_Blue_Dreams]

38 after losing dream job, wife, kids, house, savings and then car. Stress and adderall induced psychotic episode and bam, sign me up for SS.
When you lose everything it's hard to say life is worth living. Normies say life will get better lol.

i lost everything too. catastrophic losses & trauma in rapid succession over the course of 7 years. i totally feel your pain.

 

[Ron G]

52 ... but many years with 'ideation'

 

[Raminiki]

32, been suicidal 16 years, so half my lifespan with the scales tipping further and further toward forever wretchedness.

I've concluded that suicide is my only option and it's only a matter of when. It's not like I haven't tried everything available to me in those 16 years.

The other choice is to go on existing purposelessly, accepting I must endure continued extreme suffering and the slow decay of my mentally ill mind eating itself until I lose the last vestiges of self awareness and autonomy of self.

The cowardly choice would be to let fate dictate my death after my continued existence becomes the responsibility of a state that neglects and abuses its wards or a family that has failed to support me when I needed it most.

I choose the courageous option to defy fate and take my demise into my own hands. It will be my responsibility to deliver myself and to grant myself the mercy I deserve. It will be my responsibility to decide when enough is enough. And it will be my responsibility to champion selfish survival instinct and fear in order to overcome the suffering that is inescapable so long as I continue to breathe.

I wrestle with the philosophy of it all daily. Memento mori and all that. I feel I've gained an awareness of life others never concern themselves with simply because I stare into the abyss so much.

 

[girlofduty]

32. 95% sure.

The other 5% just wants to inherit an island and live there for the rest of my life, and also considering not affecting my children with the whole "my mum killed herself while I was young" drama.

 

[Sensei]

Mid-40s. I estimate the risk of me dying of suicide to be 25 % in the short run and 95 % in the long run. I've given suicide serious thought ever since I developed bipolar disorder about 15 years ago.

 

[Isadeth]

I was 9 when I tried to hang myself from the support beams in my attic.
I was 100% ready to die. Then I didn't because it didn't hold properly. Each attempt was with 100% intent. But I'd say currently at 29 I'm at 90% to be done soon.

 

[Sakura94]

29, I wish it was a fantasy. I'd sooner not be on here.